Give It To Me Bi+: Queer Enough?

At this point, we're professional bisexuals. Give It To Me Bi+ is a bi-weekly advice column in your favorite Bisexual Killjoys answer all your questions about being bi+.

Q.

Dear Bailey & Jace,

I’m a woman in my 30s, and even though I’m attracted to men and women, I’m only just now starting to fully come to terms with the fact that I might be bisexual. Throughout my life, I’ve only ever dated men, and I’m currently in a really loving relationship with my partner. But even with my homogeneous dating history, I’ve always had feelings for women. In high school, I had a few crushes on girls, and 4 years ago I developed a small crush on a female co-worker that brought up a lot of unresolved feelings.

I grew up in an incredibly Christian household where queerness wasn’t safe or accepted - I even saw someone my own age at the time be sent to conversion camp. I think that really hindered my desire to question and explore myself and these feelings that I kept experiencing. As a teen, I tried to come out as Bi to a friend of mine (mostly because I was crushing hard on another girl in my class despite having a boyfriend at the time), but my friend only responded with “Are you bi or just bored?”

I’ve never fallen in love with a woman, but I know this attraction has always been real. Is this something that happens a lot? Are there other women out there who come into their queerness later in life? Or that struggle with feeling “queer enough” while in a straight-presenting relationship?

Sincerely,
Not “Just Bored”

A.

Dear Not “Just Bored”,

First, let me assure you that you are not alone.

We mentioned in one of our early episodes how, somehow, every bisexual feels like they’re the only bisexual ever. It’s an isolating and lonely experience to feel that way - like there’s no one to talk to about confusing or seemingly contradictory feelings.

But we are not alone. Bi+ folks make up the largest group under the LGBT+ umbrella, and among us, there are so many stories. Including, of course, “late” coming out, as well as coming out while in a loving, wonderful, monogamous relationship.

Second, everyone comes to terms with their identity, experiences, and attractions in their own time. There are so many factors that lead to us exploring and understanding who we are at any given point - reactions from friends, family, available support networks, safe spaces, etc. The rate at which you discover yourself is the perfect rate for you.

Multi-gender attraction in women is often portrayed as juvenile, a phase, or fetishized to the extreme. (Anything and everything for the male gaze under patriarchy, right?) Women and friends turning on each other is also not an unusual story under this paradigm. It’s not fair that, in your moment of vulnerability, your friend only had attacks for you. It’s rude and mean. It’s also the patriarchy and biphobia at work.

If you happened to internalize some of those messages, I want you to know that it’s very, very normal for you to do so. It’s a survival strategy.

But these messages don’t have to stay with you forever. You can hold them lightly until you’re ready to let go.

Discovering your queerness (regardless of your current relationship status) is an experience that is wholly, entirely, about you. It’s about getting to know yourself better, experiencing yourself fully, and finding the spaces where that full self is embraced.

You are queer.

Whether you realized/discovered your attraction to women years ago, months ago, or a few minutes ago. You are queer.

And sometimes, it takes more than a few strangers on the internet to validate that queerness and Bi+ness. That’s okay, too. Here are some tips for your journey in the community:

• Connect with your regional Bi+ organization.

  • While we firmly believe that Bi+ folks discovering who they are belong in LGBTQ+ groups and organizations, it can be difficult to feel a sense of belonging at first. Connecting with your regional Bi+ specific organization means knowing about their events, programs, and resources to validate you on your journey. So many Bi+ folks have been where you are, and they’re more than willing to talk through the process. We recommend starting with the Bisexual Resource Center.

• Find (or start!) Bi+ specific events in your area.

  • Same principle! Surrounding yourself with fellow Bi+ people is great for your health and expanding your support net. Event websites like Eventbrite or Meetup are great places to begin your search (search “bisexual”). And if you can’t find any in your area, start a small group! I know that might sound scary, but imagine how good it will feel to be the person who makes someone else feel safe.

• Follow Bi+ creators.

  • We live our lives online these days. Following Bi+ creators, influencers, activists, authors, etc. can serve as the much-needed reminder that Bi+ness (and queerness) doesn’t have a single “look.” Everyone is at a different part of their journey, and it’s about supporting each other as much as we possibly can.

As social creatures, we are meant to be surrounded by others to feel affirmed in who we are and what we experience. You do not need to be in a same-gender relationship or have fallen in love with someone of the same gender to be worthy of receiving that validation. Surrounding yourself with Bi+ community is a great way to discover, affirm, and navigate your personal queer journey.

With Bi+ love,
Jace

P.S. You might be interested in checking out these advice columns for additional tips and advice. In Search of Clarity, Is Unfulfilled Potential Enough?, and Who gets to be Bisexual?

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