Give It To Me Bi: In Search of Clarity
At this point, we're professional bisexuals. Give It To Me Bi is a bi-weekly advice column in your favorite Bisexual Killjoys answer all your questions about being bi+
Q.
Dear Bailey & Jace,
I’ve been struggling with this the more I think about it.
For a while now, my mind has been switching back and forth between, “Oh, I like girls. I’d be fine with dating them.” and also “No, I’m straight and I only like men.” I don’t know what to do with it, because I’m fine with exploring what I like and don’t like, but this particular feeling is stumping me. Recently I told myself “I like guys,” and a week later I saw a girl and I got the same butterflies I get when I see a guy. Even when I asked a girl out and she ghosted me, my outlook on potentially dating women still hasn’t changed.
I just want to know how I can solidify this, and maybe some guidance on where to start. Are there any bars or meet ups I can go to find bi+ people?
Sincerely,
Am I Bi?
A.
Dear Am I Bi?,
First, let me say that it’s very bisexual of you to go through these waves of thoughts and feelings. Many of us find ourselves in perpetual oscillation between one kind of attraction and the next, one kind of possibility and another, one type of person and… you get the gist.
Second, it’s important to remember how easy it is for us to internalize structures of power. We’re submerged in them since we’re born, and it’s almost impossible for us to immediately figure out how these outside forces have made their way into our bodies. More often than not, it is a retrospective process that leaves us going “Oh! So that’s what was going on.” (Check out season 1 for lengthy discussions on the perils of het/homonormativity and other annoying social structures.)
The bad news: it’s likely that the solid feeling you’re searching for won’t ever come.
The good news: that feeling doesn’t have to arrive in order for you to embrace your sexuality.
While we reject the idea of the messy, confused or chaotic bisexual, we do recognize that experiencing plurisexual attraction does mean that, at one point, we were actively sorting out internal confusion, and we look forward to doing so again in the future. Embracing a bi+ identity has a lot more to do with approaching these times of ebbs and flows (what Rosie called, the bi cycle) rather than attempting to fix ourselves in any given moment in time.
In a previous Substack, I shared a little bit about how bisexuality saved my life. This was largely because, even after I came out as bi, I was still guilt-ridden because of my desire for both men and women. If I knew I liked women, how could I still like men? Was I just lying to myself?
Sometime in between the coming out and eventual acceptance of who I was, I considered what it meant to have weeks or months feeling stronger attraction to women or men. It all felt so fluid, changing every other week, so goddamned confusing. Why couldn’t I just pick one and stick with it? At times, it would drive me positively nuts. My best friend and I would spend hours on the phone, trading between texts and calls, reflecting on my past relationships, who I could spend my life with… you know.
All this to say, I understand the longing to shake off the confusion and have it all feel more solid. And while embracing myself as bi did help with some of the confusion part, nothing has ever felt solid about my sexuality. I doubt anything about it ever will.
Being a part of the bi+ umbrella is about embracing that ever-changing state of fluidity, and recognizing that some experiences you’ll have will build upon each other - and others will feel entirely contradictory.
Perhaps, you feel butterflies with a type of guy, and a different type of woman.
Perhaps, you’ll experience different kinds of attraction depending on the season (literal or metaphorical).
Perhaps, you’ll find that you enjoy things you never expected to in the first place.
Even if you eventually feel like being under the bi+ umbrella doesn’t entirely suit you best, you are still welcome to hang out with us in this messy middle for as long as you like. We are no strangers to the shifting nature of the human experience.
With all that, you’re definitely headed in the right direction! Finding bi+ spaces, media, and community is a great way to find others who share similar experiences. We’re also firm believers in the power of community to, literally, save lives.
The Bisexual Resource Center, based in Boston, MA has regular events (both virtual and in-person) that you’re very much welcome to attend.
Ambi, another bi+ org with chapters all over the world, and all kinds of events. If there’s a chapter near you, consider joining for an event or two!
Other Bi orgs with virtual and in-person events you may want to consider:
Bisexual Queer Alliance Chicago, NYC Tri-State Area Bi+ Meetup Page, LA Bi+ Task Force
For some reason, we often find it hard to talk with each other about our sexuality / sexual identity in depth. It is rare for a conversation to start by saying “Hey! You’re bi and I’m bi, too. Wanna talk about it?”
A solid way to get around this is by finding a space where the default topic is, in fact, sexuality/sexual identity. The events these groups host are a great way to dip your toes into these conversations and have some company as you explore this messy middle.
Make sure to let us know how it goes!
With loads of bi+ encouragement,
Jace
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