Give It To Me Bi: Learning to "B" Proud

At this point, we're professional bisexuals. Give It To Me Bi is a bi-weekly advice column in your favorite Bisexual Killjoys answer all your questions about being bi+.

Q.

Dear Bailey & Jace,

I am a man in my 40s who just recently accepted myself as being bisexual, and came out to my wife. We both come from a strong heteronormative background, and I still struggle with internalized homophobia and compulsory heterosexuality. Your podcast has been really helpful for me to navigate these feelings, and I appreciate having this information accessible.

Now I’m thinking about how to “come out” to my kids (ages 3–14). I don’t plan to make it a big announcement, but rather to normalize it, like adding pride symbols at home and being honest when questions arise. My wife and I share an unfounded fear that doing so might “confuse” our kids or make their lives harder.

I want to quiet that inner conservative voice. Is there research on how children of LGBTQ+ or openly affirming parents compare with those from heteronormative families, whether in terms of identity development, mental health, or later-life coming out?

Learning to “B” Proud

A.

Dear Learning to “B” Proud,

First of all, CONGRATULATIONS! Coming out is no small feat. Identifying and navigating internalized negativity? OOF, that’s a journey all on its own. We are so proud of you for taking these steps to embrace your full self.

We aren’t parents, but we do have parents (hello from the Parentified Eldest Daughter Club). We understand the profound desire to make sure your children lead healthy, fulfilled, happy lives. And we also understand how, being bi yourself and struggling with internalized negativity, that desire can lead to concerns that your children may experience something similar.

The first step is to name the fear.

Fear 1: Will “normalizing” queerness in the home confuse my children?

Let’s meet the fear head-on. There is a worry that “normalizing” queerness at home will confuse your kids or nudge them toward a harder life. Here’s the straight (ahem) answer: no one can be “made” queer.

Sexual orientation and gender identity aren’t social contagions. Which is to say, they are not trends to be mimicked. They are natural variations in human experience. This means that queerness cannot be “caused” or “trigged,” it simply is.

Your visibility or outness as a Bi+ parent won’t “cause” queerness. But rather, your openness will provide them with the language to express themselves with safety and dignity - key protective factors that prevent internalized negativity.

If a child is not queer, your visibility won’t change that either. What your openness will provide is acceptance and compassion towards other queer folks. (Instead of learning to fear, ridicule or exclude queerness by virtue of being different.)

Fear 2: If I encourage my children to be queer, won’t they have a harder life?

The hardest life-path to be feared is not the one where one is queer. The hardest life-path is being taught that your authentic self is a problem to be dealt with.

When families withhold affirmation or encouragement in an effort to keep kids “on an easier road,” they don’t prevent queerness; they incubate shame. Shame turns curiosity into secrecy, boundaries into self-erasure, and questions into late-night catastrophizing.

By virtue of navigating your own feelings of shame and negativity about being bisexual, you know that shame is not a moral teacher. It is a silencer. It eats you up inside.

A second truth: hardship is part of the human syllabus, regardless of identity.

Children will always, inevitably, wrestle with something: friend group politics, learning differences, body changes, heartbreak, a class they hate, a dream that doesn’t pan out. As a parent, you are in a unique position to strengthen their capacity to rise up to challenges while still remaining connected to their core values and familial bonds. That resilience and confidence is the protective factor.

Fear 3: But what if my inner conservative voice has a point?

This “inner conservative voice” doesn’t come from nowhere. As you have correctly identified, it comes from your background. The lessons, scripts, and rules imposed upon you during a time when you did not know they could be challenged. (And hey, you get a lot of sympathy from me ((Bailey)) because I was raised in the Deep South!)

You are well on your way to confronting this voice. Pulling up facts and reassuring yourself is the best way to go about it. You can even say the thought out loud, and counter it with facts out loud, too.

You are not failing by having this “inner conservative voice,” nor are you failing by entertaining what it has to say. You succeed by choosing to counter and overcome these knee-jerk reactions. It is a lifelong process, but it can be done.

Tips on Embracing Authenticity

You also mentioned the toll of compulsory heterosexuality (comphet) and internalized homophobia. This is good work! Naming the machinery is how you stop it from driving. Comphet says “the default is straight; everything else is deviation.” Internalized homophobia says “and deviation is dangerous.” Put them together and you get parents who love their children deeply and still, inadvertently, teach them to contort to fit the picture instead of the truth. You can do something different.

Here’s how.

1) Don’t stage a confession. Stage a life.

“Family meeting, Dad has an announcement” puts you at the center and frames the news as a rupture. There is no need for a press conference, when continuity is better. (And you’re well on your way to doing this!)

Fold your queerness into daily life the way you fold other values in. Hang a small pride flag next to the family photos. Add bi+ books to the shelf. Correct misinformation when it surfaces. When the moment is natural, offer the truth in simple, age-appropriate language:

• Ages 3 to 6: “Some grownups love men, some love women, some love both. Dad loves people of more than one gender. Love is love, and our family is safe.”

• Ages 7 to 10: “People have different kinds of crushes and families. I’m bisexual, which means I can be attracted to more than one gender. That doesn’t change how much I love you or our family.”

• Ages 11 to 14: “You’ll hear a lot of opinions about what’s ‘normal.’ Here’s mine: honesty is normal. I’m bi. It’s not new; it’s something I’ve finally learned to say out loud. You can always bring me your questions.”

Notice the core message in each example: clarity, no apology, and explicit safety.

2) Set house rules that protect dignity.

Make sure these rules are about behavior, not ideology. This reassures that while beliefs aren’t fertile grounds for debate, behavior can be adjusted and respect is at the forefront.

• We tell the truth about ourselves without putting anyone else on blast.

• We don’t insult people’s identities or bodies, our own included.

• Questions are welcome; mockery isn’t.

• We don’t “out” other people, ever.

• If something at school or online feels off, bring it home. We’ll handle it together.

3) Normalize your learning curve.

You and your wife were raised in “heavy heteronormative formation.” Great phrase; accurate assessment. Mistakes are normal and inevitable.

Make sure to name any mistakes in front of the kids so they learn repair, not perfectionism. “I used the wrong word yesterday. Thanks for catching me. Here’s the better one.” That single sentence teaches flexibility, humility, and love.

4) Align with your partner in private first.

Talk to your wife about what “affirming” means in practice: what you’ll say, what you’ll display, how you’ll respond to extended family, and where each of you still feels tender. Trade the fantasy of consensus for the reality of collaboration. You can disagree on aesthetics and still agree on your children’s security.

If the worry of making their lives harder pops up again in this conversation, try this reframe: “Let’s make their inner lives easier. The world is sometimes cruel; home won’t be.” Invite yourselves out of the abstract and into the tangible: the family culture you co-create.

5) Expect questions and buy yourself time when needed.

There is no need to have a TED Talk ready. When a kid tosses you a curveball (“Does this mean you’ll leave Mom?” “Are you gay now?” “Is so-and-so trans because of TikTok?”), you can say: “Great question. Short answer is no/yes/[one sentence]. Longer answer deserves more care. Let me think and circle back tonight.” Then make sure to circle back. Building reliability leads to strong trust.

6) Give them mirrors and windows.

Mirrors (stories that reflect who they are) and windows (stories that show who others are) are how we build empathy and vocabulary. Curate books, shows, and role models that are explicitly queer and boringly ordinary. Kids need to see queer joy in the grocery line, not only in the parade. We cannot even imagine how much easier life would have been if we had these examples growing up.

7) Address the “harder life” myth without gaslighting.

You can tell the truth about bias without predicting doom or deputizing your child into your politics. “Some people believe only one kind of family is right; we don’t. You might hear mean comments. If you do, tell us. We can work through it together, and it won’t change your worth.”

8) Mind your subtext.

Kids eavesdrop on feelings as much as words. Treating your own identity like a crisis to be managed sends the message that difference is combustible.

When you treat it like a meaningful fact about a whole person, you’ll convey the message that identity is allowed to take up space without swallowing the room.

One more important thing: your kids are watching how you treat you. This means that the things you say about yourself carry lessons and messages that children absorb at all ages.

If you apologize for existing, they will learn to apologize for whatever part of themselves feels most precarious. If you stand in your truth with warmth and humor (e.g., “I’m bi, dinner’s at six, who’s on dishes?”), they will learn that identity is not a thunderclap; it’s part of the weather of a life.

You’re already doing the brave part.
So we absolutely know you can do the boring part: consistency.

A small flag on the bookshelf. Correcting a casual slur. Reading a chapter together. Saying “that’s an okay thing to be” out loud. Building a family culture where the story is never “We kept you safe by keeping the world small,” but “We kept you safe by staying close while the world was big.”

When in doubt, remind yourself of this: “We are not choosing a path for our kids. We are choosing a posture toward our kids.” The posture is open, honest, and unafraid. The posture says: you can tell me who you are without losing me. That is the opposite of confusion. That is clarity to know that you can grow up inside.

With pride and solidarity,
Jace & Bailey

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PS. Here are a few pieces of data to throw at your Inner Conservative Voice:

• Research shows that parents who signal their acceptance of various sexual and gender identities from an early age lead to less participatory anxiety when children are evaluating coming out as LGBTQ+ to their parents. (Cleary et al, 2025)

• If a mental health issue exists, it most often stems from stigma and negative experiences rather than being intrinsic to the child. (Ending Conversion Therapy: Supporting and Affirming LGBTQ+ Youth, 2015)

  • This means that if the struggle causing mental health distress is social, the distress can be countered and mitigated through social support such as family acceptance.

  • This is especially true when the weight of the hardship is shared with parents through advocacy, reassurance, and acceptance. (Gilbert et al, 2024)

• Family connectedness is a significant protective factor in preventing negative health outcomes for LGBTQ+ youth. (Needham & Austin, 2010)

• Research shows that trans children raised in affirming homes (regardless of whether the parents are queer or not) do just as well on mental health and social outcomes as cisgender straight children. (Olson et al, 2016, Travers et al, 2012) This extends across all LGBTQ identities.

• It was important to us to include reassurance that you’re not alone in this process. We found this paper on how parents navigate both encouraging their children to explore their gender expression/preferences, while also wanting to keep their children safe from external negative reactions/interactions. (Logan et al, 2025) Parents worrying about their children’s lives is a normal and common experience that can be navigated through engagement with educational resources, support from fellow parents in similar situations, and other kinds of supportive social interactions.

TL;DR on the Data

• Orientation/Queerness isn’t contagious, and exposure to affirming environments doesn’t “convert” children; it equips them. The big levers for youth mental health are not “Was the home straight?” but “Was the home safe?” Safe to speak, safe to ask, safe to be.

• When homes are supportive and schools are at least minimally competent, queer kids thrive.

• When homes are hostile and schools are silent, kids (queer and straight) internalize fear and self-hate.

• Your plan to normalize queerness isn’t a risk factor. It’s a seat belt.

• Remember, affirmation is not indulgence; it is scaffolding. Kids who know they are safe to ask questions and to be themselves are less likely to dissociate, lie, lash out, or implode. And they’re more likely to come to you when the world is unkind.