Give It to Me Bi: What's the Point?
At this point, we're professional bisexuals. Give It To Me Bi is a bi-weekly advice column where your favorite Bisexual Killjoys answer all your questions about being bi+.
Q.
Dear Bailey & Jace,
I found my current partner shortly after I realized I was Bi+. He’s a pretty straight dude, and I love him so much I hope to marry him some day. He knows I’m Bi+, and I’ve told a select few, but I also struggle with feeling like it’s somewhat meaningless to tell people about my Bi+ness, since nothing is really going to change.
I guess I’m asking what does it mean to be Bi+ if your dating history has mostly been hetero and you’re currently in a happy, stable, relationship? Is my next step to immerse myself in the culture? What even IS the culture I’m supposed to immerse myself in?
Sincerely,
Feeling Pointless
A.
Dear Feeling Pointless,
First, I want to reassure you that you aren’t the only Bi+ woman who feels this way. Many of us feel, or have felt, like our Bi+ identity should take a back seat while we are in a relationship with a man. This is a normal feeling to have when you’ve been told your whole life (like all of us have) that we are defined by the closest man in our lives. Our fathers, brothers, boyfriends, husbands all appear to cast an insane shadow we cannot seem to escape.
I want to focus on this element of living in the shadow of a man for a second. Because so many of us have internalized this narrative, where our identity is wrapped up tightly around our relation to the man closest to us. Internalizing this is a survival strategy. We live under the patriarchy, after all.
Your Bi+ identity is part of who you are, regardless of who is in that picture with you. If it’s important to you, it doesn’t matter what anyone else has to say about it. If it’s important to you, it doesn’t matter what changes or doesn’t change because of it. If it’s important to you, by very definition, it isn’t at all pointless. It’s part of who you are. And you are a whole, beautiful human being independent of your relationship to any man. (Or anyone, for that matter.)
You get to be seen as your whole self. That changes something. Perhaps, it might not change your relationship status with your partner, but it will change your relationship with yourself and the world around you. Being seen as your whole self, including your Bi+ identity, means you can foster important feelings of bi-positivity, authenticity, and self-esteem.
This is where the culture piece comes in.
Bi+ culture isn’t any one thing. (I mean, would it be Bi+ culture if it was?) It’s a wonderful eclectic mix of history, solidarity, pop culture, lemon bars, and fun denim obsessions. It’s our knack for questioning binaries and coming up with creative solutions to escape them. It’s community events and peer education.
It’s tough to tell you where to begin because there’s so many cool things to explore! So, instead, I’ll give you a few options varying by time frame.
Dipping your toes
This is a chance for you to explore what it means to be Bi+ in a more educational and narrative capacity. Give yourself a chance to hear stories, gather information, and soak it all in.
Of course we had to be at the top of the list! Start from the very beginning for a grounded exploration on Bi+ topics.
Bi: The Hidden Culture, History, and Science of Bisexuality by Julia Shaw
This is a fantastic book for seasoned and new Bi+ folks alike. It’s incredibly comprehensive in its selection of topics. It’s academically and historically grounded, without being overly theoretical or jargon-y. I recommend it to everyone, and I still reference it to this day. Bonus! It’s also an audiobook.
Bi All Accounts: An Anthology of Bi+ Voices, Volume 1 edited by Bailey Merlin
Edited by our very own co-host, this is a lovely Bi+ anthology exploring bi-erasure from a number of different perspectives. It’s always great to sit with stories that feel near to us, and perhaps one of the ones in this volume will resonate with yours.
The Book of Pride: LGBTQ Heroes Who Changed the World by Mason Funk
The first book I ever read that wasn’t Bi-specific, and still included Bi+ voices in meaningful ways. A beautiful collection of interviews from LGBTQ elders who were in the trenches when the movement demanded it. You’ll get a pretty full perspective on the overall movement and communities as they evolved. Bonus! It’s also an audiobook.
Learning the Ropes
Bi+ community can be as simple or as complex as you make it! What remains true is that starting small is probably the best way to go. A few tips to start.
Check out online events
Starting small with low stakes is the important bit, and as we’ve said multiple times on the show, things that happen online are still very real and very valid. You’re welcome to join us on our Discord to expand connection in a familiar territory. (Bailey and I are in there all the time!) Or perhaps an online event hosted by the Bisexual Resource Center– you might be interested in their online gatherings for Bi+ women partnered with men.
❗Caveats to online spaces:
Not all of them are friendly, kind, or competent around Bi+ specific elements. Please do not go on Reddit, a random Discord server, or any other discourse-prone spaces. It’s easy to get sucked into a -phobic/-ism war that confuses you further. Focus on events and spaces curated by Bi+ organizations and Bi+ creators you trust.
Find your regional Bi+ organization
Wherever you’re located, it’s a good idea to find your regional Bi+ organization and get to know them a little. Browse their website and social media, maybe sign up for their newsletter. This will give you an overall idea of the vibes and maybe there’s something worth joining.
Here’s a handy dandy guide put together by the BRC that might help.
If you’ve already formed a connection inside a Bi+ online community, they’ll probably also have recommendations for you, too.
Have 3 conversations
Wherever you choose to go, whether it’s online or in-person, I invite you to have three separate conversations with folks. You might find someone going through the exact same thing you are, and maybe it’ll be a chance to sit in the confusing feelings with a new friend. It is in the interactions with fellow Bi+ community members that your own Bi+ identity expression takes shape.
Flying Free
This is practice so you know how to confidently take up space as a Bi+ person. You’re here, and you’re beautifully queer!
Start a Blog
Or begin a journal with your Bi+ journey and experience. Share the things that you’ve been curious about, or what has been coming up for you. Write down your thoughts on the latest Bi+ event you went to (don’t stop going to those!) or how you noticed a Bi+ character in a show. This is your journey, and you deserve to have your support along the way.
Explore your style
Looking Bi+ is something that a big part of our community wants to achieve at least some of the time. No pressure if that’s not you, but I invite you to experiment a little bit with your style and the things in your closet. Are there things that make you feel “more” Bi+? Maybe try wearing that to your next Bi+ gathering. If you enjoy make up, maybe try a little bi-flag number with eyeshadow. Perhaps cuffed jeans and a jean jacket might be more your vibe…
Sidenote: I just found out about this brand that’s about to launch a collection of Bi+ apparel and !!!!! I’m so excited to see what’s coming!
Volunteer
I’ve found that volunteering for Bi+ orgs and/or at Bi+ events is an awesome way to grow community connections AND foster a sense of belonging-ness as a queer person. It can feel a little intimidating at first, and there’s no need to start volunteering right away, but I encourage you to consider it. There are plenty of options for volunteering, from asynchronous online projects (like our own volunteer projects), to co-hosting events with organization leaders. There is always something for everyone of any skill set, at any skill level.
Plus, coming back to the same group of people to work on something creates reliability and really cements those friendships in the long term.
📌Note on Volunteering:
There is always the option for you to begin your own thing, especially if there are no organizations easily available in your area. Still, I encourage you not to re-invent the wheel. Reach out to us or any Bi+ org (the BRC is always my go-to) and ask for advice on what to do and how to do it. Bi+ community is always excited to see the community expand.
Here’s the long and short of it, Bi+ culture is Bi+ community. Embracing your Bi+ identity can mean a lot of things, but it doesn’t have to mean leaving your partner, being non-monogamous, or turning your life upside down. Embracing your Bi+ self can really just be about choosing to learn more about Bi+ history and culture, getting involved with your local community, and choosing to embody a version of yourself that owns your Bi+ness authentically.
I hope we cross paths sometime soon! We have events twice a month in our Discord community, and our very first International Meet Up is happening this year at the Bi+ World Conference. I love meeting and hanging out with y’all 🫶
Sending you much love and encouragement!
Stay Bisexual & Stay Strong,
Jace
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