Give It To Me Bi: What Do I Do When Someone is Biphobic?
At this point, we're professional bisexuals. Give It To Me Bi is a bi-weekly advice column in your favorite Bisexual Killjoys answer all your questions about being bi+
Given that Jace and I started Bisexual Killjoy in March, it’s wild to see how far the podcast has come already. As a general rule, I am the realist (or pessimist, depending on who you ask) for our group; it’s hard for me to get excited about the forest for all the trees. This is to say that Jace’s optimism about the impact of our project is a great complement to my commitment to our production. Together, we’ve sown realistic seeds that are starting to bear queer fruit.
On September 30, we were invited to speak in “LGBTQ+ Activism & Resistance,” a course offered by the University at Albany’s Department of Women's, Gender, and Sexuality Studies. It was our first public presentation together, and though we’d spent many hours talking to one another in Zoom rooms, we were nervous. How were people going to react? Would anyone attend? Was our presentation in line with the class’s request?
Fortunately, we are good public speakers, and we can bounce off one another well. Plus, if we’re being honest, I’m funny, and humor goes a long way in getting a crowd on your side. So, we gave a talk on the history of bi+ activism and its overlooked and underappreciated place in a broader LGBTQ+ context, and how being a Bisexual Killjoy can shape our place in the queer canon in the future.
Once we’d given our talk, we took our seats and opened the pit for questions. Thanks to a survey conducted at the beginning of the class, we knew that the majority of the folks in attendance were queer, with the majority leaning toward bi+ (statistically likely). I expected questions about the history of activism, but most attendees wanted to talk about how to handle biphobia. And you know me, I love a good roast, so I did some serious thinking about how best to use your words to your advantage.
How do I deal with people who question my identity?
As I handle social media and our public presence, I wade deeper and deeper into biphobic waters. I see what people say about bisexuals or how often we are forgotten. In the beginning, I was ready to be a Bisexual Killjoy at all times, but constant negativity wears you down. When we spoke to Leanne Yau and asked how they thought we should deal with biphobes and bigots, they told us that not everything has to be a battle. Not everyone is going to change their mind. Not everyone is going to see the error of their ways when you call them out on their bullshit. As you dedicate yourself to this cause and this work, you’ll start to recognize when people are open to hearing your point of view. That being said, here are some classic questions that people ask when they’re investigating your identity and some possible answers (results may vary).
Q: Are you sure you’re bisexual? I’ve never seen you with a (member of the same/different sex).
A: Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know you wanted to watch. How did you figure out you were into voyeurism?Q: Are you sure you aren’t just a lesbian/gay?
A: Pretty sure. Monosexuality always felt tacky to me. But, like, look who I’m talking to.Q: You’re just saying you’re bi for attention.
A: I’d prefer if you didn’t perceive me at all, actually.Q: Isn’t bisexuality just a stepping stone to being gay?
A: I don’t know. Is that outfit a stepping stone to having a sense of style?Q: You’re married/in a committed relationship. Why are you still calling yourself bi?
A: Look, I’m flattered that you’re so invested in my bedroom activities. I get it; I’m hot. That being said, unless I’m buying you a morning-after breakfast, I’m going to need you to mind your business. Fantasies are free; my time is not.
What should I do if someone at work finds out I’m bi+ and makes it weird?
If you’re not out, this question might seem weird to you. Why on earth would anyone talk about sexuality at work? Isn’t the office just for passive-aggressive emails and pretending you know what the latest “urgent” project is about? But trust me, it happens. Sometimes, you're just minding your own business, drinking your desk coffee, and suddenly—boom—you're the Bi+ National Representative of your workplace.
Some of us are out for personal or political reasons (hey, visibility matters!). I, for one, work in a corporate environment and am loud and proud about my identity. Sure, some might call it "brave," but I call it "not having the energy to hide the fact that I'm tired of compulsory heterosexuality." Plus, I have the benefit of working in a union. So, if some biphobic nonsense did pop off, I’d likely have protection. Not everyone’s that lucky, though, which makes this whole "I’m out at work" thing a bit of a balancing act.
So, what do you do when a coworker makes your identity a big deal? Do they get a special prize for “Suddenly Realizing You're Bi+,” or will they awkwardly fumble through this conversation? Here's the thing: it’s not your job to make them feel comfortable with your identity. In fact, it’s their job to not make you uncomfortable.
Now, when they do make it weird, you have options:
The Polite Deflection: You can always give them a quick "Yup, I’m bi, back to that spreadsheet now," and hope they take the hint. It's the workplace equivalent of putting up an “Out to Lunch” sign on your identity.
The Educational Moment: Sometimes, you’ve just gotta throw them a bone and explain why your being bi+ isn’t an invitation for them to ask dumb questions. Try, "Yeah, I'm bi+, and no, I don't have to choose or explain myself, but if you need more information, I'm happy to recommend some Google searches." Bonus points if you say it with a smile.
The Sass Attack: If you’re feeling spicy, hit them with a quip. Something like, "Oh, you’re curious about my bisexuality? Cool, cool. HR is curious about your curiosity, too.”
Remember, this isn’t your problem to fix. You’ve got work to do, emails to ignore, and snacks to eat. Your coworker’s weirdness around your bi+ identity is just another part of the day. Just make sure they know that while you might be a magical, multifaceted Bi+ unicorn, you're not here for their awkward coming-to-terms-with-your-identity seminar. Not your circus, not your monkeys.
People tell me that being pansexual isn’t real and that I should just identify as bisexual. What should I do?
That’s easy! If someone says they don’t believe in pansexuality, just tell them, “Oh, you don’t think pansexuality is real? Then I guess you’re bi-yourself.” Then, walk away.
What do I do if someone is being really biphobic?
It’s wild that this is still a question and one asked with such earnestness. Before I dig in, I want to reiterate the fact that it is not your job to engage with biphobes. If you have the energy, I give you permission to use one of these clapbacks anytime someone is confused about you (maintain eye contact to exert your dominance):
“The only person who seems to be confused here is you since I don’t remember asking for your opinion.”
“When did I decide to be bisexual? Apparently, at the same time, you decided to be a cunt.”
“I didn’t consent to workshopping this conversation with you. For the last time, I don’t want to join your improv troupe.”
“Yeah, I’m married and bisexual. You’re not our type.”
“Someday, I hope to believe in something as deeply as you believe in being an ignorant asshole.”
“If bisexuality is just a phase, does that mean that your shitty personality is a phase, too? I hope so. For your sake.”
"You seem really invested in my sexuality. Should I be charging you for this consultation?"
Whether you’re dealing with people questioning your identity, facing biphobia head-on, or just trying to navigate being out in your workplace without turning every coffee break into a Q&A session, remember this: your identity is valid, and you don't owe anyone an explanation. You are not required to justify your existence to anyone—especially not to people who still think bisexuality is some sort of unicorn.
Look, I know some of this shit is aggressive and that you’re not necessarily going to be comfortable saying even a tame version of it, but it’s good to practice saying this stuff out loud. Empowerment comes from within, and you need to practice. If you ever bump into a situation that needs a quip, drop me a line. I’m always ready for a roast.
Until next time, keep being a Bisexual Killjoy.
xoxoxo,
Bailey
Your (Un)Friendly Neighborhood Bisexual Killjoy
Was there something that resonated with you about this post?
Have a question or situation you could use advice on?
Share your story with us to be featured in a future Give It To Me Bi entry!