Give It To Me Bi: Love in a Digital Era
At this point, we're professional bisexuals. Give It To Me Bi is a bi-weekly advice column in your favorite Bisexual Killjoys answer all your questions about being bi+.
Q.
Dear Bailey & Jace,
I have a bit of a conundrum going on. I’m pan, and throughout high school, I had pretty even attraction to men and women, though I mostly dated femme-presenting people. Guys in my dating pool were either already close friends of mine, already in relationships, or they didn’t find feminine trans guys like me to be attractive. I’ve been out of high school for a few years now, and while I still absolutely find feminine-presenting people attractive, I’m realizing that when it comes to finding a partner, I’m partial to more masculine folks. I haven’t dated anyone since my last partner and I broke up in my senior year of high school, and while I do want to put myself out there again, online dating is really just not for me.
Any advice for this almost-20-year-old femme presenting trans guy looking for love in a digital world?
Sincerely,
Searching for Love
A.
Dear Searching for Love,
Transitions are rarely ever smooth, especially going from the structured days and weeks of high school to the confusing freedom that comes with young adulthood. I think we probably feel this more intensely when it comes to friendships and romantic relationships. How does one find friends as an adult? How does one go on dates and find the romance promised in movies?
It’s a difficult journey to go on, probably because we live in a highly industrial and individual world right now. On the one hand, we can have friends who live on the other side of the world. On the other hand, how does one talk to our next-door neighbor?
In all honesty, I’m partial to dating apps. And as a polyamorous Capricorn, I have a very efficient system for vetting matches and going on dates. We get off the app as quickly as possible, meeting for coffee somewhere local. I have a standard set of questions to find out if they’re a good conversationalist, and from there, it doesn’t take too long to figure out if I want to ask them out on a proper date. It’s a bit interview-esque, but it yields great results. That was how I met my current nesting partner, and we just celebrated our 2-year anniversary a few months ago!
But dating apps aren’t for everyone. Truly, they’re good for only one thing: putting you in contact with people you otherwise never would have met. They suck at pretty much everything else - the messaging part is usually pretty buggy, the algorithm is biased, and they don’t even give you solid date suggestions. The good thing is that you can recreate that strength all on your own, without an algorithm.
If relationships are all about getting to know others with common interests and passions, let’s start there. Doing more things that you already love is a great way to meet others. Things like craft night at your local library, open mic night at a coffee shop nearby, or attending a dance class can be a fantastic way to meet others you otherwise never would have met. Volunteering is also a great option for building community and connecting with people who share similar values. Fun fact: that’s how Bailey and I met through the Bisexual Resource Center!
Broadening your activities and weekly schedule can be a fun, interactive way to meet new people who share similar interests and values. While it’s likely that not all of these connections or affinities will be romantic, perhaps the friend you gain at an Open Mic will introduce you to your future spouse. You never know!
Another more straightforward way of going about it is joining Speed Dating events. When I lived in Albany, there was a local board game / coffee shop place that hosted regular LGBT+ speed dating events. They were a fun time, though I never did go on a date with anyone afterwards. Flip of a coin, really.
With Pride month getting closer by the minute, there’s bound to be a fair few LGBT+ events and activities happening close to you! Make sure you follow your local and regional LGBT+ orgs and groups on social media so you can stay up to date on all their upcoming events. I’m personally partial to speed-friending events and Bi+ socials, I always make a new friend.
There’s also no shame in getting help from an algorithm to get you going. Sites like Meetup and Eventbrite have location and interest filters for events. If finding local events and activities gets difficult, browsing through sites like these can help you identify organizers, venues, and organizations that host regular social gatherings.
At its core, adulthood is about experiencing the world (and yourself) as much as possible. Relationships of all kinds are beautiful ways that we get to share these experiences with each other and create a community that’s linked by passions, commitment, and joy. We’re excited for you to go on this journey, and we hope you keep us in the loop after your first adventure!
When you’re headed to your first social, remember that the most important thing is having fun. Volunteering, craft night, open mics, and socials are really just spaces for you to explore your full self and share that with others along the way. It can be tempting to treat these events as a kind of scavenger hunt for your true love (gods know I’ve been there), but more often than not, your true love(s) will find you while you’re sharing yourself and your gifts with the world.
In joyful exploration,
Jace
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