Give It To Me Bi: Liar, Liar, Queer Pants on Fire?

At this point, we're professional bisexuals. Give It To Me Bi is an advice column where your favorite Bisexual Killjoys answer your questions about being bi+

Q.

Dear Bailey & Jace,

I’ve known I was ace since a young age, and while I initially assumed I was romantically attracted to men due to heteronormativity, I didn’t really fantasize about marriage or a traditional romantic future. When I entered a monogamous relationship with my partner (cis man), I began to consider the possibility of being attracted to other genders, like trans men or nonbinary people, which led me to identify as panromantic. But being in a monogamous relationship has made it difficult to explore these feelings. I later realized that my attraction wasn’t sexual but rather sensual—specifically, I felt drawn to kissing or making out with people in a nonsexual way. That’s when I also identified as greyromantic. Now, though, my attraction feels more like a general sense of being drawn to someone, and I’m unsure if it’s just aesthetic attraction, which I don’t know if it counts as queer. I feel conflicted because I mostly feel attracted to people I can’t have, like those on social media or famous people, and I don’t act on these feelings.

I’ve grown attached to the bi label, but I’m struggling to reconcile it with my current feelings. Since I plan to stay with my partner forever, I don’t see the point of identifying as biromantic, especially since I don’t experience much romantic attraction to other genders at the moment. It’s hard because I feel like I once had the capacity for romantic attraction, but now it feels closed off while I’m in this committed relationship. I’m confused about whether my experiences still count as bisexual or if I should identify differently, like as asexual demiromantic. I also wonder if this is internalized biphobia. Part of me feels like I was just seeking the bi label to feel part of a community, but now I’m questioning whether I’ve been lying to myself. I’m really struggling with where I stand and whether any of this actually fits the bi label anymore.

Sincerely,
Lost in the Woods

A.

Dear Lost in the Woods,

First off, we want to say that your feelings are valid (a classic open but no less true). It’s important to understand that identity is fluid, especially when it comes to attraction, and it’s okay if your understanding of yourself shifts over time. You’re not alone in grappling with these feelings, and the journey of figuring out how to label/not label yourself can be a challenge.

Let’s start with the core of your experience: attraction. You mention being drawn to others in ways that don’t always feel clearly sexual but do feel significant. Let’s be real and acknowledge that attraction isn’t one-size-fits-all, and it’s not always easy to define (if ever). Sensual attraction, as you describe, isn’t lesser than sexual attraction—it’s just a different aspect of how we connect with others. And yes, even aesthetic attraction is a form of attraction (i.e., it’s the appreciation of someone’s essence that can feel powerful, regardless of whether or not it fits into “traditional” categories).

Regarding the bi+ label: It is okay to feel conflicted. As we’ve discussed on the podcast, society tends to prioritize monosexuality and can pressure us into defining ourselves in a way that’s perceived as “acceptable.” The idea that attraction must be acted upon for your identity to “count” is both frustrating and incredibly limiting. What matters is how you experience attraction, regardless of whether or not you act on it. Your attraction to others, even in a non-sexual, non-romantic context, still exists and holds meaning. It doesn’t make your identity less real.

After all, humans are social creatures. We’re built for connection.

Now the big question: Does your attraction count as queer? Bestie, yes. In season 1, we talk about how healthy love itself is queer because it forces us to challenge preconceptions around connection. Because you are queer, any kind of loving you do, sexual or otherwise, is inherently queer. Again, let’s be REAL: Western society, in particular, is hypersexualized, and queer identities, particularly bi+ ones, are often dismissed because they challenge monosexual norms (e.g., the only way to experience true love is to get married and have babies). But your sensual/romantic/aesthetic experiences are just as valid as anyone else’s. Remember: queerness is about the challenge and resistance to systemically imposed norms (i.e., heteronormativity). And you do not need to be in a same-gender relationship to do this.

You are not lying to yourself or pretending to fit in. You are in the process of making sense of messy experiences that won’t always align perfectly—and that’s okay.

Take a moment to consider what it is about these labels that call you to them, and reflect on what about them you wish to bring into your life. The experiences that have led us to identify as bi+ are multiple and varied, they have to do with community, intimacy, and challenging binaries at all levels. Being bi+ means embracing the fluid and messy nature of the human experience. It is unrealistic to expect that anyone will align perfectly in attraction, action, and identity - we all hold multitudes. We encourage you to embrace the spaces, labels, and definitions that allow you the room to explore and discover new aspects of yourself because there will always be more to discover.

You mentioned being in a monogamous relationship, and it’s important to recognize that this doesn’t close off your capacity for attraction in all its many forms to others. Monogamy doesn’t erase your identity or your ability to be drawn to others; it simply means that you’ve made a commitment to one person. You don’t need to restrict your feelings or question your queerness just because you’re in a relationship. Take it from our resident monogamous Bisexual Killjoy: “I love my partner. I can still see the world; the world can still see me” (Merlin, 2024).

Again, labels are tools to help us understand and communicate our experiences. They’re not definitive and should never feel like a prison. It’s fine if you feel like you need to step away from a label for now. But we encourage you not to feel pressured into abandoning it altogether, especially when it sounds like the bi+ label has felt meaningful for you throughout your journey.

Your identity is yours to define, and it is okay to evolve. Don’t feel like you need to fit into a box to be valid. Whether you call yourself bi, pan, ace, or anything else, you are allowed to be exactly as you are, with all of your complexities.

Sharing this messy middle,
Bailey & Jace

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