Give It to Me Bi: Is the Closet Worth It?

At this point, we're professional bisexuals. Give It To Me Bi is a bi-weekly advice column where your favorite Bisexual Killjoys answer all your questions about being bi+.

Q.

Dear Bailey & Jace,

I’m a bi guy and have been married to my wife for 20 years. Two years ago, I came out to her as bi, and she has been incredibly supportive. I’ve since told two close friends, who were kind but immediately focused on how this might affect my wife and our marriage.

As I think about coming out more broadly, I’m worried people will judge her or assume something is wrong between us. That feels unfair, especially when she’s done nothing but support me. At the same time, I’ve spent most of my life hiding this part of myself, and I finally feel like I can be honest. But I’d rather stay quiet than risk her being treated the way I’ve felt all these years.

How do I balance wanting to be open about who I am with protecting the person I love?

Sincerely,
I’m Not Making It Weird, Everyone Else Is

A.

Dear I’m Not Making It Weird, Everyone Else Is,

Man, I hate it when people make my relationship their business. My knee jerk reaction when someone has something to say about how my sexuality impacts my marriage is, “Oh, I’m sorry, I wasn’t aware we were fucking.”

But me being pithy isn’t actually advice, is it?

Okay, so folks having an opinion about bi+ relationships is nothing new. At the very least, you can feel good knowing that you are, in fact, bisexual enough.

What I hear you asking, though, is: How do I finally take up space without it costing someone else something? More specifically, how do you take up space and own your identity without it backfiring on someone you love?

You came out (congratulations) and your wife met you at the door (whoop, whoop); but instead of this being a moment to celebrate, you find yourself in a defensive position. And while that’s a thoughtful and loving impulse to protect her, it’s also a trap.

Because you’re trying to do two things at once:

1. Be known

2. Control how other people interpret what they know

You can do the first one. You can’t do the second.

And I think part of what’s throwing you is that you’ve already gotten a preview of how people will react. You tell two close friends, and instead of just hearing you, they immediately pivot to your wife. Is she okay? What does this mean for your marriage? Which again, is such a classic response it’s almost boring. People hear “bi” and immediately start doing relationship math.

But here’s the thing: your wife is okay.

More than okay, actually. She knows. She supports you. She’s in the relationship. She’s not going anywhere. Everyone else? They’re reacting to their own assumptions about what bisexuality means to them, not to the reality of your marriage.

I get why that bothers you. You’ve spent your whole life being misunderstood, and the last thing you want is for that confusion to splash onto her. But I want to point out something you might be doing without realizing it: You’re trying to protect her from the exact thing you’ve been absorbing for years (i.e., other people getting it wrong).

While I love the instinct, I don’t think the solution is for you to stay hidden. Because then what you’re saying is that the safest version of this situation is the one where you continue to carry the weight alone. You’ve already done that. For decades. We’re not doing that again, okay?

If people make weird assumptions, that’s not a failure on your part or your wife’s. And it’s not a harm you’ve caused her. It’s just…people being limited. Which they will be. A little. Sometimes a lot. People will go out of their way to misunderstand and misrepresent bisexuality. You and your wife will be okay, regardless of what people think.

But can we return to something that’s eating at me? In your letter you said that you’ve hidden this part of yourself your whole life. My friend, that internalized self-erasure doesn’t go away overnight. No, no, mon frère, that shit seeps in and turns into habits, instincts, thought patterns, values, etc. You’ve probably convinced yourself that if you can stay quiet, if you can keep your sexuality to yourself, life will be easier because there will be no bumps in the road.

Is that even true, though?

Not for nothing: Your wife is cool with who you are. Your wife didn’t ask you to play it straight. Your friends didn’t even ask you to go back into the closet, they just don’t understand you yet.

That’s really different from: I came out and my and my wife’s lives are ruined.

You’re allowed to come out in a way that reflects the actual reality of your life: a bi+ person in a long-term, loving marriage with a woman who knows and supports you.

If people hear that and go, “Wait, but what does that mean for your relationship?” you don’t need a whole speech prepared. You don’t need to convince them (Because why? Because you’re not fucking them.).

You can just say, “It means I’m bi. And we’re good.”

That’s it. That’s the answer. You don’t owe anyone a full debrief of your marriage to make your identity make sense. And I think part of what might help here is shifting what you see as your responsibility.

Your responsibility is to be honest about who you are and to treat your wife with care and respect. Your responsibility is not to make sure every single person interprets that correctly on the first try. That’s not a standard anyone can meet.

So the balance you’re looking for isn’t “How do I come out without anyone ever judging her?”

It’s more like, “How do I come out while trusting that our relationship can withstand a few people not getting it?” Because it can. In fact, it already has!

And for what it’s worth, I don’t hear someone in your letter who’s reckless or inconsiderate or about to blow up his life. I hear someone who finally feels like himself and is trying to make sure that feeling doesn’t come at someone else’s expense.

That’s a good instinct. Keep that. Just don’t let it turn into another reason you stay hidden. You’ve done enough of that already.

Take care of yourself, and give your wife a little more credit! She seems like she can handle being married to a bi man (which is dope as hell, though I might be biased).

Rooting for y’all,
Bailey

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