Give It To Me Bi: I'm So Angry About What Happened
At this point, we're professional bisexuals. Give It To Me Bi is a bi-weekly advice column in your favorite Bisexual Killjoys answer all your questions about being bi+
Q.
Dear Bailey and Lynn,
How do we heal, as individuals and together?
I'm just now starting to unpack trauma from biphobic 'lesbian helpline' I tried reaching out to as a teenager - I didn't know why they were so hostile, all I knew was this word 'bisexual' which finally answered my own identity questions but all I had was a one line dictionary definition, and they really pushed back on that and totally rejected me. It was the 90s, I was using a payphone, in my area then there were only separate L and G helplines and the cost to phone anything further afield was impossible. There was nothing else local I could find; they wouldn't allow me to attend their group, and that meant I spent more years than I needed closeted and totally isolated.
I'm so angry about what happened. On the other hand, that group would probably have been just as hostile. I get this feeling there's still a lot of hostility from lesbian groups towards bisexuals. It hurts me a lot that trauma was caused by the LGBTQ+ community. Somehow it's worse that way. It is now about 30 years since this happened, I don't know how to release it. I'm not really ready to be an activist while I’ve still got so much self-healing to do.
I've got a therapist, and we've talked about it. She's horrified at the things they said to me. I can work on that personally.
I guess I want to ask about how we can heal trauma from the wider community, do you see bi-specific community as important? Are we welcome yet under the bigger LGBTQ+ umbrella? How do we get to that?
It's like part of me is stuck in that isolated state. It's hard to feel cross-community solidarity. I guess part of me is still holding this against all lesbians or also quite scared of experiencing the same attitude again - maybe something I need to work on, because I am an older, stronger, more educated person and not that scared, lonely kid reaching out.
Thanks for listening,
Healing Seeker
A.
Dear Healing Seeker,
Reading your letter, I’m reminded of all the times I was cast aside within LGBT+ groups for my bisexuality, and all the times I was dismissed as a researcher for my interest in Bi+ identity. I think the wound you describe is one that many of us are familiar with, and it is often exactly what drives us to do this kind of scholarly and activist work.
It is not okay that this happened to you. You reached out to the best source of support you knew about at the time. It is not right to be greeted by biphobia and erasure from a resource that was meant to provide compassion and understanding.
As you begin your healing journey, here are some things that have helped me to release much (though, admittedly, not all) of the harm I have experienced.
Create Bi+ Community
It’s difficult to think that there is an almost incomprehensible amount of bi+ people out there in the world who can not only understand your experience, but also help you talk through it. If all bi+ people gathered in a single geographical location in the US, we’d have enough voting power to be a swing state! It is in Bi+ community that you’ll get to experience amazing bi+ joy, bi+ positivity, and support through biphobia and bi oppression. Cultivate these connections and count them as your happy place.
We understand that finding bi+ community is hard; that lack of dedicated space is a big reason why we started this project. That being said, depending on where you live, Meetup can be a great place to find queer community near you. Facebook groups also provide bi-specific spaces, such as the Still Bi group that's been around for so long that it has geographic chat rooms. Virtual spaces like Reddit or Discord servers can also be a space to begin fostering friendships. If you can't find a space for bi+ people, may this be your charge to make that community. It’s very likely that if you’re in need of queer connection and bi+ community, others in your area are, too.
Articulate the Pain, Acknowledge the Resistance
It is normal to feel the way you do. Gaining access to the language that allows you to put into words all the things that you have experienced this far (bi-erasure, biphobia, etc.) helps to externalize the pain and keep the grieving process going. There will be a grieving process for all the things you should have received but didn’t. All the times you could have been welcomed with compassion, but weren’t. This pain is a large part of why there may be resistance to participating or engaging with broader LGBT groups - and that’s okay. The important part is to recognize it, and not shy away from it.
Remember who the real enemy is
I often find it difficult to remember that hetero/homo normativity affects us all. We all feel the effects of the patriarchy and the way we “should” live our lives. It can be hard to remember that when you’re speaking with folks who should know better than to perpetuate these systems. But the biphobic messages don’t come from a space of liberation - they come from the internalization of patriarchal and heteronormative stereotypes. Just as we have had to unlearn much of the cis-het standard to promote a fluid liberation, we must remember that we are all allies in this unlearning process. The real enemy are these made-up binaries and these made-up rules.
Remind others who the real enemy is
This lies at the core of embodying the Bisexual Killjoy - calling out others when they subconsciously buy into these rules and binaries. There is enough space in the world for all of us to have a seat at the table, as long as we are not fighting each other for scraps. This is hard work that takes a lot of your time, and you are not obligated to answer the call every single time (your health is a priority, after all). But what I have found is that redirecting the rage/hate/pain that others direct towards me back to the real enemy proves to be radically transformative. There is an enemy out there that deserves our collective rage: the patriarchy.
Center yourself in what you know to be true
What I often point out as the main struggle with this kind of “in-fighting” is that a lot of “common sense knowledge” about bi+ people doesn’t actually come from bi+ people - it comes from what monosexuals think about bi+ people. A key goal for Bailey and I in the podcast is to share what we, as bi+ scholars, researchers, and activists, know to be true.
We know that bi+ folks are constrained by both homo and heterosexual spheres.
We know that “passing” isn’t a privilege.
We know that bi+ folks are at higher risk of being isolated, which contributes to a wild amount of negative health outcomes (e.g., higher rates of depression, anxiety, and suicidality in comparison to our hetero- and homosexual counterparts).
We know that bi+ folks, regardless of outward presentation or relationship status, belong in LGBT spaces.
We know that bi+ folks don’t just experience prejudice and erasure, but also discrimination, and oppression at the hands of the current systems.
These facts are your touchstones. Any and all facts that ground you in your bisexuality will remain your touchstones as you navigate a world that is still quite hostile to bi+ people. We begin our journey into healing by not allowing others to gaslight or “convince” us that our struggles aren’t serious - research proves they are life-threatening.
Do What Feels Right to You
I cannot in good conscience say that you should (or shouldn’t) engage with explicitly or exclusively lesbian spaces. Sometimes, these spaces are actively hostile. Sometimes, they’re very welcoming. Sometimes, it’s a matter of being friends with the right people who are allied in the bi+ struggle. As long as you remain authentic to yourself and your own experiences, you are upholding a radical and revolutionary bi+ worldview - and you’re making me and Bailey proud.
On Bridging the Collective and the Individual
I want to make sure we take a moment to think about the heart of your letter - how can we heal individually and together?
This may be just one Killjoy’s perspective, but I think we begin by recognizing that there is still a younger version of ourselves who wants to be seen. I think we begin by honoring that and giving them the space to ask for repair.
As an academic and scholar, I’m always at risk of over-intellectualizing my experiences. Rest assured, I had already dissected a million ways the erasure story I shared on Season 1, Episode 5 before I even decided to share it with the world. But truth be told, there was still a small part of me that had stayed in that room - paralyzed, perpetually experiencing the violence that I was subjected to until Bailey said, “Wait. She said WHAT?!” the first time I told her the story.
I only began to experience repair when someone was outraged on my behalf - when I wasn’t alone.
I was only able to ask for repair when I was able to say, “That wasn’t right, and I’m still hurt.” And that was the only way my lesbian friends were able to sit with me, alongside the hurt, and say, “I’m sorry, that wasn’t okay.”
Regardless of how much older, stronger, or wiser we get, we will always need community to lean on. We will always need each other in order to experience healing. We at Bisexual Killjoy do our best to give you the tools and language needed to get to the community-building part, by solidifying your own self-confidence in your bisexuality. But once we get there, once you’re with your emotional support buddy, the way to heal is to allow ourselves to feel all that we weren’t allowed to before.
I think we heal when we build our foundation, and I think our community heals when we don’t shy away from asking for what we need.
And sometimes, what we need is just a goddamn apology.
I think embracing that is what brings us together. It makes us stronger.
It helps us find common ground in our search for liberation.
And that’s how we heal.
Wishing you compassion on this journey.
With love,
Your emotional support Lynn
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