Give It To Me Bi: I'm Married to a Man But Want to Date Women

At this point, we're professional bisexuals. Give It To Me Bi is a bi-weekly advice column in your favorite Bisexual Killjoys answer all your questions about being bi+

Q.

Dear Bailey & Lynn,

I am a woman married to a man. However, I am a queer woman-I identify as Bi/Pan. I am 1000% more attracted to women than men, I just happened to fall in love with my guy. 

I have not ever dated a woman. But I want to. How do we go about this being married to a man we love? I would love some guidance or advice on how to open this conversation with my guy. I’m sure I’m not the first bisexual to have this experience! 

When we met, he knew I was interested in women, but I think he thinks that went away when I married him. I don’t want to risk losing him, but I also often wonder if I can live the rest of my life never exploring this attraction. 

I would love to explore an open relationship if it meant I could maintain my relationship with my husband and be able to explore a queer relationship at the same time. I have no idea how to go about doing this or even bringing it up with him. He knows I’m queer, but I suspect he thinks I’m satisfied never exploring that. 

How do I even start unraveling this?

Sincerely,
I’m Still Bi

A.

Dear I’m Still Bi,

First off, it’s so great that you’re reaching out and being honest with yourself about your desires and attractions. It’s clear that you’ve put a lot of thought into this, and it’s great that you want to honor both your queerness and your marriage. Many bi+ people in relationships with different-gender partners experience the exact situation you’re describing—wondering how to reconcile their queer identity and attraction with their current relationship. So, you’re not alone, and it’s valid to want to explore that side of yourself.

The key first step, and you probably know where I’m going with this, is open and honest communication with your husband. I know this can feel daunting, especially when you’re unsure how he’ll react, but creating space for this conversation is essential for both of you to move forward. Here are some ways to approach it:

1. Start with Affirmation and Reassurance

Begin the conversation by affirming your love for him and commitment to the relationship. Let him know this isn’t about dissatisfaction with him or your marriage but rather a desire to explore a deeper part of your identity that you feel has been left unexplored. Because this is a big conversation, you want to ground into your love for one another (I like to call this “bedrock”). Whenever either of you feels some type of way about the conversation that’s being had, go back to the assurance that you’re together through your conversation. You’re in this together.

2. Be Honest About Your Feelings

Share your internal conflict—how much you love him but also how strong your attraction to women is and how it feels unresolved for you. This conversation could be about more than just opening the relationship; it’s about your emotional and sexual fulfillment as a bi+ person. Let him know that it’s not about replacing what you have but expanding your experience and learning more about yourself. Lead this conversation with compassion and vulnerability because you’re not trying to break him down or make him feel guilty for keeping you in a monogamous relationship.

That being said, it’s also important to underline the fact that bi+ identity doesn’t go anywhere just because you commit to a person. I may be married to a cis man, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’d do the most consensually heinous things to Simone Ashley, given the opportunity.

3. Consider Therapy or Counseling

Couples counseling with a sex-positive, LGBTQIA+-affirming therapist can be a great way to navigate these discussions. A professional can provide both of you with tools to communicate effectively and explore your options in a safe, supported environment. Individual therapy might also help you clarify your needs and feelings before entering into this dialogue with him. I know therapy isn’t available to everyone, but please pursue this route if even two sessions are possible. I think every couple should get some counseling, even if they are the best communicators on the planet. Sometimes, having that neutral third party in the room helps you unpack a new level of honesty.

4. Explore Together

If your husband is open to the idea, exploring this side of yourself doesn’t have to be something you do alone. Some couples find ways to navigate this together, whether through non-monogamy, kink dynamics, or simply having deeper conversations about sexuality and attraction. If he’s curious or open, this could be an opportunity to build new experiences as a couple—there are many forms of open relationships, and one size doesn’t fit all. I’m not encouraging you to become unicorn hunters, of course, but there are ways for you to navigate your sexuality with your husband. Together, you’ll find the best course of action for your relationship.

5. Set Boundaries and Communicate Needs

If you both decide to move forward with exploring an open relationship, setting clear boundaries, and establishing ongoing, honest communication, it is crucial. This process often involves trial and error, so checking in regularly about what’s working and what isn’t will be important for maintaining trust and emotional safety.

Whether or not you pursue relationships and intimacy outside of your marriage, you should read Janet Hardy’s The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures and Jessica Fern’s Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma, and Consensual Nonmonogamy. Honestly, everyone should read these, even monogamous folks, because it gets you to reconsider relationship dynamics and empowers you to ask for what you need from your partner. Because people change, the relationships they exist in have to change, too.

6. Find a Bi+ Community

Surrounding yourself with other bi+ people who understand your experience can be incredibly affirming. Whether it’s through online groups or local communities, having people to talk to who understand your feelings can help reduce any isolation you might be feeling and give you a space to express your bi+ identity more fully. In Boston, there’s a group called Bi Women Partnered with Men that does the occasional virtual brunch, which could be a great opportunity for you to get insights from other women, with the added benefit of making friends.

The Caveats

Before you do any of this, though, I encourage you to unpack your feelings in a journal. You need to have the most honest heart-to-heart with yourself that you’ve ever had. Ask yourself some of these questions: What is it from a romantic or sexual relationship with a woman that you want that you can’t get from your husband? What feels different about your attraction towards women? What does a world look like if you can explore that sexual relationship? What does the world look like if you can’t? Is your husband also allowed to pursue other relationships? How would you feel if your husband was excited about pursuing romantic or sexual relationships with other people? What does cheating look like to you? Do you only want a sexual relationship with a woman, or are you looking for a romantic relationship, too? Are you polyamorous? What does polyamory look like to you? And so on. These questions are important to ask now because they will likely come up as you explore this part of yourself.

And as you unveil your feelings, understand that your partner is also allowed to have feelings. He’s allowed to say he is uninterested in opening up your marriage. He’s allowed to have time to think. He’s allowed to ask questions. He’s allowed to be upset. He’s not allowed to assume that you’re cheating on him. He’s not allowed to treat you poorly because you were honest. He’s not allowed to make you feel unsafe.

I know the path ahead might feel uncertain, but you’ve already taken the biggest step by recognizing your needs and considering how to have this conversation with your partner. Your willingness to bring this up to your husband is already a testament to your love for him. You are not a bad person for wanting to explore these feelings. Remember, relationships evolve, and your marriage can grow if you both approach this with compassion, openness, and a willingness to explore together.

Sending you strength and encouragement as you navigate this journey.

xoxoxo,
Bailey
Your Neighborhood Bisexual Killjoy

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