Give It to Me Bi: How Do I Talk to My Gay Friends About Biphobia?

At this point, we're professional bisexuals. Give It To Me Bi is a bi-weekly advice column in your favorite Bisexual Killjoys answer all your questions about being bi+.

Q.

Dear Bailey & Jace,

I just came out as Bi+ this past year, and it’s been a journey. I told two gay male friends about it, and one of them was especially supportive as I navigated intense mental health struggles, along with what it meant to be Bi+. I’m really grateful for their support. Recently, however, they’ve each implied that I’m one of their “straight” friends, claiming that they “forgot” about me being Bi+. I know that bi-erasure is a big piece of this, but I also think that there’s a deeper question to be asked.

I want to bring up bi-erasure and have a deeper conversation with them beyond the short interruption when they say these things, but I’m having a tough time figuring out how. I don’t feel “justified enough” to bring this up because they’ve had a lot of shitty life experiences as gay men, and they’ve been out over fifteen years - while I only just came out a year ago! I love these friends dearly, and it doesn’t feel right to just ignore it, but I truly don’t know how to start this conversation with them. Any tips?

Sincerely,
Trying to Find the Words

A.

Dear Trying to Find the Words,

First of all, CONGRATULATIONS!!! Coming out is a special and unique journey for each of us, and it’s important to celebrate all the moments in our lives that bring us closer to who we are. We’re so proud you’re owning this part of yourself!

Second, I want to highlight that your desire to have this conversation with your friends points to how important their friendship is to you. Wanting to have the difficult conversations, or raise a pain point, are sure signs of emotional maturity, and a desire to see your friendship grow alongside personal changes. It means that you value their friendship and your boundaries at the same time.

A few tips to navigate the conversation:

1. Ground yourself in what you know to be true

This is a crucial step before you approach any Bi+ topic, even more so when you’re taking on the role of the killjoy. Facts about Bi+ folks are not widely known, and there’s a lot of education that needs to be done on the subject. People in the queer community who don’t know these facts may have grown used to brushing off Bi+ experiences and concerns. (Perhaps even framing these as “frivolous,” “privileged,” or “not really queer” because of the sheer amount of Bi+ stigma that is perpetuated across cishet and LGBT spaces.)

You know that these facts are true. You know the importance of Bi+ recognition. You know why being proud in your Bi+ness is important. That’s all that matters.

Grounding yourself in this knowledge gives you a strong foundation from which to approach any interaction where you might have to be a bisexual killjoy.

2. Validate their experience without invalidating you

I hear when you mention that you don’t feel quite “justified enough” to bring up your concerns. Because of all the infighting that we’re used to seeing in LGBT communities, we simply haven’t been modeled ways to recognize each individual struggle as valid in its own right. It feels like every time we raise our voices to share the specificity of our struggle we’re saying “we have it worse” instead of “your struggle sucks, and ours does too.”

The pain, discrimination, and frustration they have experienced due to being out as gay men surely sucks. Surely, it wasn’t right for them to have to go through such experiences. You can validate that struggle, while also holding firm to your core message. Here are some statements you might find helpful:

• “I understand where you’re coming from, and it wasn’t right that that happened to you. What I have been experiencing with your comments isn’t right either. I want this friendship to be a safe space for the both of us to be our whole selves, and that means taking care in the things we say to each other.”

• “Thank you for sharing with me the pain you have experienced because of your identity. It means a lot to me that you’re trusting me with this. I want you to know that I will never diminish your struggles or feelings, that’s not what a good friend does. I also want this to be a space where I know my struggles and feelings will be honored, too. Can we work to build that together?”

• “I am so grateful that I get to witness you in your entirety. It’s a privilege to be your friend and be by your side as you navigate life with all its struggles. It is because I value our friendship that I need to be able to feel safe to tell you when things happen that I feel uncomfortable with.”

3. Embrace the journey!

Coming out less than a year ago does not mean that you’re any less a part of the queer community than those who’ve been out 10+ years. You’re learning so much about who you are, how being Bi+ is shaping your worldview, and what it means to be a part of this newfound Bi+ community! You’re bound to have questions, feel a bit confused, and, at times, worry about saying or doing “the wrong thing.”

I want you to know that it’s totally okay to make mistakes along the way. Friendships are spaces where you get to explore newly discovered aspects of yourself with people who will love you through it.

So, how do you start the conversation?

1. Ask for a conversation, don’t be afraid if it feels heavy

“Hey, friend, is there any chance we could talk about something that’s been bothering me lately? I’m having some complicated feelings and I’d be really grateful if we could take a moment to chat.”

2. Bring up the event, centering your feelings on the matter.

“When this happened… I felt…”

“I understand that perhaps you didn’t mean to make me feel this way, and that’s why I wanted to bring this up.”

“In the future, I would like for us to…”

3. Work towards repair, together

“Your friendship is important to me. I want this to be a space where we can both share whatever is happening in our lives with the full knowledge that we’ll be embraced as our whole selves. Can we do that together?”

It’s okay if you feel vulnerable all the way through. That’s part of fostering relationships that value intimacy and connectedness. Trust that your friends value your friendship deeply in this way, too.

This conversation doesn’t have to be about big ideas of Bi+ activism and advocacy. It can be about your history, your relationship, your values, and how you want this relationship to keep growing.

And of course, the script is just a general guideline. You know yourself, the situation, and your friendships best - so make sure you prioritize saying and doing the things that feel most right for you.

You’ve got this!

With Bi+ vulnerability,
Jace

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