Give It to Me Bi: How do I hold on to my identity?

At this point, we're professional bisexuals. Give It To Me Bi is a bi-weekly advice column where your favorite Bisexual Killjoys answer all your questions about being bi+.

Q.

Dear Bailey & Jace,

I am a bi sapphic with a strong preference for sapphics, femmes, women, nonbinary people, and non-men. I’ve only ever dated other sapphic, feminine-presenting people. Even though my queer card has been “punched,” I keep running into a lot of biphobia in sapphic and queer spaces, especially online.

When I look for positive bi+ content, I mostly find discourse framing biphobia as “overblown” or treating bisexuality as a joke and/or privilege. Jokes like “bisexual women and their boyfriends” erase bi+ people in sapphic relationships entirely, and it really feels like people are projecting their worst experiences with bi+ exes onto all of us. Over time, this has made queer spaces feel alienating. I’ve even stopped listing “bi” in my bio because it seemed to invite more erasure than community.

I guess I want to know how to hold onto my bisexual identity in sapphic spaces when those same spaces keep questioning or flattening it?

Sincerely,
A Tired Bi Sapphic

A.

Dear Tired Bi Sapphic,

Oh boy, I resonate with your experience so much, I don’t even know where to start.

Bi+ women are made to be scapegoats within queer communities. That’s really the sticking point that you’re bringing up. It’s as if all the ills and woes of all LGBT communities at large could be resolved if Bi+ women just stopped trying to be a part of “a community they so clearly don’t belong in.”

I’ll be honest with you, I’ve stopped trying to argue with this rhetoric. It’s gnawed away at me for so long that I’ve legit lost sleep over it. The worst part is that, on some level, it feels like they have a point. Maybe Bi+ women shouldn’t bring their boyfriends to pride. Maybe Bi+ women do have more privileges than others. Maybe Bi+ women actually…

Here’s what I know- these overblown generalizations that make Bi+ women the source of all problems within LGBT communities are biphobia disguised as “punching up.”

How do we know this? The facts abound.

• Bi+ women are at higher risk of intimate partner violence. (The Gender Policy Report, 2019)

• Bi+ women are more likely to internalize binegativity due to external pressures to “prove” their identity, which leads to a whole host of issues. (Cipriano, Nguyen, and Holland, 2022)

• Etc, etc, etc.

But let’s dismiss all the facts for a minute. (and I do mean just a minute, hang on close)

I, too, have felt this profound erasure from others attempting to villainize Bi+ women. I made a post on threads a few months ago calling out the myth of passing privilege (as one does, this is quite literally my job) and someone responded with “here come the bi women that have clearly never been in a serious relationship with a WOMAN before screaming from the mountain tops with their victim mentality that their relationship with their boyfriend is queer.”

Nevermind that I’m actually, literally, married to a woman.

And once I responded with that fact, they proceeded to double down on how I couldn’t possibly know what I was talking about. Again, nevermind that I have an actual, literal, degree in the field.

The assumptions and accusations others make towards us fly in the face of reality and real-world, actual, facts. Making a scapegoat out of Bi+ women is simply too tempting, too easy for them to not do. It is entirely a projection of their fears.

I could give you a list of strategies and tips on how to handle (in)direct biphobic comments while you’re in these spaces, but honestly? Resisting these projections gets exhausting real fucking fast. Having to pause the conversation every other minute to say “actually, that’s not true” or “that’s a wild biphobic thing to say” gets tiresome.

Instead, I want to focus on something else.

Being a part of queer spaces is fun. It’s where you begin to build community, connect with others, and maybe share some common life experiences. As a Bi+ woman married to a woman myself, I totally get why immersion in sapphic spaces feels like the thing to do.

But, please hear me when I say this, if you feel alienated, erased, and overall unpleasant when you’re in these spaces, then they’re not the spaces for you.

It’s a sucky truth. Other queer folk should know better than to erase our Bi+ness. They themselves have been subject to erasure from the cishet system. They know how awful it is. And yet, biphobia abounds.

I’ve learned the hard way that it’s no use to fight with a belief. For the most part, folks that lean into biphobic practices aren’t going to respond to facts. We’re the scapegoats, and there’s nothing we can do to convince them otherwise.

This is exactly why Bi-specific spaces, organizations, and events are necessary for our health and overall wellbeing. We need to connect with each other without feeling like the other shoe is going to drop at any moment. We need community that accepts us entirely, and allows us the space to grow as we learn more about ourselves.

This is not to say that you have to abandon or distance yourself from sapphic places/spaces/events entirely. Of course, you belong there as much as everyone else, and you deserve to take up space. You also deserve a break.

I invite you to fill up your Bi+ cup with Bi+ joy and connection. Reach out to the Bi+ org closest to you, and ask if they have any in-person or virtual events you can attend. Join our Discord and connect with fellow Bisexual Killjoys who know what it’s like.

Being in good Bi+ company regularly allows you to face erasure with more confidence. It’s about being in spaces where you feel affirmed and supported, to balance out the educator-under-duress moments. You deserve more Bi+ joy in your life.

Sometimes, being Bi+ is hard, but it doesn’t have to be hard every second of your life. There are times when it’s as easy as breathing, and it’s crucial for our wellbeing to seek out these moments. They keep us going for the long run.

With Bi+ compassion,
Jace

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