Give It to Me Bi: How do I come out to my Lesbian friend group?
At this point, we're professional bisexuals. Give It To Me Bi is a bi-weekly advice column in your favorite Bisexual Killjoys answer all your questions about being bi+.
Q.
Dear Bailey & Jace,
I came out as a lesbian in my teens when it felt like an accurate description of my sexuality. But now that I’ve gotten to know myself better, I realize that I’m actually bisexual. This was a non-issue for me while I was with my ex (a woman), but now that I’m single, things are different. I’m considering dating men, but that would mean me coming out as bisexual.
My lesbian friends are tolerant of bisexual people, but I’m afraid to come out because none of them date or spend a lot of time with them because it’s “exhausting.” I don’t want to lose my friends, but I also don’t want to stop myself from experiencing the full range of my sexuality now that I’m single. How do I walk this tightrope?
Sincerely,
Newly Bi
A.
Dear Newly Bi,
Welcome to the Bi+ crowd! We’re so excited you’re exploring this part of yourself 💜And we’re honored to be a part of your journey ✨
I totally get how this feels like a tricky situation. This is a friend group that might not have anticipated a change like this, but of course, it is entirely understandable that you wish to explore this part of you more fully. It is your right to experience all of you, in all aspects of yourself.
The good news is, you’re in control. You get to decide how, when, where, and what you tell your friend group about your bisexuality. What’s most important to remember is that your story is yours to tell, and your life is yours to live. Hiding part of yourself for the comfort of others is how regrets take hold, so let’s figure out how to nip those in the bud.
Tips for Coming Out
1. It’s only as big as you want it to be
Sure, letting your lesbian friends know that your sexual identity has changed may come as a shock to them- but it’s your sexuality. You get to decide how much effort and energy you want to put into sharing this aspect of yourself.
You can throw a full-on purple coming out party, or you can just casually drop it into the conversation. Their reactions aren’t in your control, but the way you choose to share who you are is.
2. Let the biphobia pass you bi
I won’t tell you to “brace for the biphobic comments” but I also won’t tell you to not brace for them. Either approach is informed by your past experiences with your friends. If they’ve given you reasons to suspect that they won’t react well, don’t ignore that. But if they’ve given you reasons to anticipate a welcoming space, don’t ignore that either.
If you do end up receiving biphobic comments or attempts to “change your mind,” you can choose not to engage. “Saying things like that is not okay. I’ve already stated that I’m bi, and who I am is not up for debate.”
As I keep saying in the Discord lately- you can’t fight with a belief.
3. Share as much (or as little) as you’d like
This is another boundary-setting exercise, but it’s a little different. If these are your close friends and you feel comfortable letting them into more intimate aspects of your introspective process, you can also choose to share your story with them. In times like these, it can be helpful to say something like:
“I would love to share with you how I discovered this part of myself and how I want to experience the fullness of my sexuality, but before I do, I need you to know that who I am is not up for debate. I am sharing this story/process/journey with you out of friendship, not a desire to “change my mind”. Questions in good faith are fine, but I get to decide whether or not I’m in the space to answer.”
4. Find and surround yourself with Bi+ community
We will never stop raving about the importance of Bi+ community spaces. Whether they’re in person or virtual, Bi+ community is crucial for affirmations and exploration of what it means to live a Bi+ life with a Bi+ worldview. If your lesbian friend group hypes you up and gives you high-fives, your Bi+ community will celebrate with you. If you receive biphobic comments and rejection, your Bi+ community will be there to walk through the feelings with you.
Adding more Bi+ queer people in your social network will provide you a more well-rounded and robust support net that embraces all aspects of who you are throughout your journey. And if you struggle finding fellow Bi+ folks in your area, you can always join our Discord for extra support and good-hearted fun.
5. Remember, their reactions are not in your control
Sometimes, we get so caught up in wanting things to turn out exactly how we want them to that we end up trying to deprive others of their feelings. Folks have a right to react in ways that make us uncomfortable or that we just don’t prefer- and that’s okay. It’s a chance to reflect on compatibility, whether a relationship needs to be evaluated in terms of degrees of intimacy, or come out the other side of a conflict stronger than before.
Coming out to your friend group might be a whole thing, it may also be a non-issue. You will never know the outcome until you say it out loud.
We know how scary coming out can be. A lot of times, the fear increases with how long you’ve known the person (or group of people). All this fear is trying to say is that these relationships are important to you, and it’s okay to feel some anxiety around not knowing how (or if) things will change after coming out. Strong friendships become even stronger after resolving conflict, and that it’s okay for things to be up in the air for a while, as long as you stay true to who you are.
You can always step back and regroup.
Remember, this is your story.
Cheering you on,
Jace
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