Give It To Me Bi: Feeling Alone

At this point, we're professional bisexuals. Give It To Me Bi is a bi-weekly advice column in your favorite Bisexual Killjoys answer all your questions about being bi+.

Q.

Dear Bailey & Jace,

I recently came out at 23, and it’s been a lot. I feel like I have finally stopped fighting myself and started the journey towards acceptance, but I’m very very lost. I don’t really have a support system, and I don’t feel like I can reach out to anyone to talk about this. I tried going to a pride fest a while back, and it just left me feeling sad and out of place. I feel like I need to talk this out, but there’s literally no one. Any advice?

Sincerely,
Shouting to the Void

A.

Dear Shouting to the Void,

First of all, congratulations! While I personally believe that coming out is more of a road than a single point or moment, it’s always a big and courageous step to take. It’s what allows for acceptance and bi+ joy to be a part of your life.

Secondly, I hear you. It sucks to feel alone after you’ve just taken such a big step. Bi+ folks struggle with finding and building support nets. We’re more likely to experience loneliness overall - and loads of other depressing statistics I could cite here.

But that doesn’t mean that’s how it has to be. Building community and making friends are skills that you can get better at. Sure, it’s tricky. And I know I went through a phase of “books that teach you how to make friends are awful” but not everyone knows the how of it all. I sure didn’t.

For immediate support, I recommend 7 cups of tea. Now, this is not therapy. 7 cups is a volunteer-powered active listening project. Volunteer listeners can chat with you for a while (or designated amount of time) about any topic that doesn’t violate the terms of the site. I’ve been active on 7 cups as both a member and a listener at different points in my life, and I highly recommend it as a place for folks who need to talk things out, but feel there’s no one in their immediate circle who can listen.

Finding a Bi+ affirming therapist is also a great option. Bailey spoke with Dr. Mimi Hoang about the importance of a Bi+ affirming therapist and/or health professional. Sessions with a therapist serve as a safe, affirming space for you to explore different aspects of yourself - including your sexual identity.

This last pride month hit the Bi+ community harder than expected. Bailey and I experienced a strange amount of backlash, both online and in-person. We know what it’s like to go to an LGBT space or pride event and feel like it’s better to just disappear. It sucks that you experienced that so early in your Bi+ acceptance journey- the community should know better by now.

That is why finding Bi+ specific groups and events are crucial to begin crafting that support net. Meeting people one-on-one is the best way to make friends and start building those lasting connections. In a previous advice column, I shared ways to meet people that didn’t involve dating apps - those tips apply here, too. The Bisexual Resource Center also has this amazing virtual support group called BliSS (Bisexual Social and Support Group) that meets every month. BliSS, along with the BRC’s more situationally specific events can be a great place to talk through your Bi+ journey among peers who just get it and who have likely been in your shoes before. These spaces are curated for people just like you, and your attendance is a true gift to all who facilitate and make sure these groups keep running.

The most important piece of advice I can offer is to put yourself around people who are similar to you, and who share similar values. Do it repeatedly and consistently. Repeated exposure to a group helps. It helps to find connections, build friendships, and create a compatible community.

And don’t forget to be the villager. It does take a village to thrive - we know that better than anyone. Begin by being the villager that supports others before asking for support. You’ll be surprised at how far a little bit of mutual support can go.

With Bi+ courage,
Jace

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