Give It to Me Bi: Does this character count?

At this point, we're professional bisexuals. Give It To Me Bi is a bi-weekly advice column in your favorite Bisexual Killjoys answer all your questions about being bi+.

Q.

Dear Bailey & Jace,

I recently started listening to your podcast as a way to tap into my bisexuality and what that means for me. While doing so, I’ve made lists of bisexual songs and artists on my Spotify. I’ve made lists of show and movies on my TV Time App with characters that are bi, as well as books and resources on my Goodreads.

While making these lists, my husband and I were talking about characters and why or why not they shouldn’t be on the list. My thoughts are that bi representation counts, even if it’s messy. People in bi relationships go through messy relationships too and I think its dishonest to only portray “good” relationships. My husband’s thoughts are that he understands that we can have messy relationships, but that we (bi people) also get a lot of public scrutiny as it is and should be careful how we represent ourselves.

While I do understand what he’s saying (and perpetuating stereotypes isn’t my goal) I think that excluding those representations can be harmful. Especially to those who relate to those situations, since “good” relationships on TV can often be unrealistic. I made the lists with messy characters included but I’ve been thinking about it a lot.

Should I keep including these “messy” characters?

Sincerely,
Media Enthusiast

PS. Would you consider adding lists like this to your website as a resource?

A.

Dear Media Enthusiast,

First of all, this is a fantastic project you’ve been working on! We know from personal experience (and a lot of secondhand anecdotes, too) how difficult it is to find Bi+ representation in pop culture and media.

You and your husband bring up interesting points on a much larger discussion: What does Bi+ representation need to look like in order for it to “count” as Bi+ representation?

The short answer to your question is: Yes, messy Bi+ representation absolutely counts.

As for a more detailed explanation: your husband does have a point on the difficulty of navigating a biphobic world. For a lot of Bi+ folks, it feels like we’re constantly being judged and assessed just by existing. As if there is a way to lead an exemplary Bi+ life. And if we just worked hard enough to live that kind of life, biphobes would have no reason to be biphobic anymore.

Let’s talk about why that narrative is doomed to fail.

1. Biphobia (and all of its manifestations) is not “caused” by Bi+ people’s actions.

Us Bi+ folks cannot simply avoid all biphobia by leading an exemplary life, because the way we live our lives is not the cause for biphobia. The stereotypes, judgements and myths about bisexuality are perpetuated through willful misconceptions and beliefs about the Bi+ experience.

We talk about the political investments that monosexual folks have to erase bisexuality in Season 1, Episode 3- those will always hold up regardless of the kind of life we have. You can’t argue with a belief, no matter how much we might want to.

2. Bi+ people are people

And not all people are the same. Regardless of any one specific demographic, individuals are incredibly varied. Some of us are emotionally healthy and don’t shy away from affective responsibility. Others are emotionally manipulative and refuse to be held accountable for the harm they have caused. These differences are part of the human experience - and it doesn’t diminish their sexual identity/experience.

Are there problematic bisexuals in the world? Sure.

Are there exemplary bisexual humans? Of course.

Just like every other demographic.

3. Asking Bi+ folks (real or imagined) to live up to unrealistic expectations is a trap

Part of embodying the Bisexual Killjoy spirit and being a part of Bi+ liberation is the process of releasing yourself from these imposed expectations.

Who cares if a Bi+ person (or character) isn’t the perfect bisexual on paper? The way they choose to embody and express their bisexuality is simply another way to embody the Bi+ experience. We don’t subscribe to the idea of perfect bisexual role models. Instead, we embrace the diversity of experience. We choose to walk the walk alongside you without judgement or expectations.

So here’s what we think:

Public scrutiny is a non-issue. Monosexual folks will or won’t judge Bi+ people at their leisure. We aren’t gonna feed the haters.

Bi+ representation is for Bi+ people. Seeing ourselves reflected in pop culture/media is important, regardless of whether that representation is “problematic,” “messy,” or “role model.”

Bi+ community makes everything better. These representations might be problematic (or not), but the important part is what do we do with this. Talking about a movie/series/song/artist with fellow Bi+ folks allows for introspection, exploration, and community building. Remember, Bi+ representation is a catalyst for education and understanding.

We even have a dedicated space in our Discord community for discussing Bi+ media representation. We share a lot about what makes a good Bi+ character, which ones are our favorites, and the reflections they inspire in us.

As for a Bi+ representation media list…
It’s in the works!!

Our Research and Development Team of volunteer activists are putting together various compilations of resources that will become publicly available here on the site and in our Discord community. We’re including Bi+ organizations, non-fiction books, artists, and of course, movies, series and novels with all kinds of Bi+ rep!

This project is definitely still in the works, and we’d love community input!

Folks can submit an entry to be added here, or schedule a meeting with us to join the Team! We’re always excited to welcome in folks excited about Bi+ anything and everything- it keeps the project joyful for the long haul 💜

With Bi+ joy,
Jace

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