Give It to Me Bi: Do I belong here?

At this point, we're professional bisexuals. Give It To Me Bi is a bi-weekly advice column where your favorite Bisexual Killjoys answer all your questions about being bi+.

Q.

Dear Bailey & Jace,

I’m struggling to find which label fits me. I’ve been going back and forth for years now on whether I’m bi or lesbian. Whenever I call myself “lesbian” it feels constraining, like a box. Saying I’m bi feels right, but I hesitate because I don’t really know if I’m attracted to men. (Though maybe my hesitation is because of SA trauma.) I’ve been calling myself queer lately, mostly because I have no idea where I fit in. Any advice on how to find a community that fits me?

Sincerely,
Feeling Torn

A.

Dear Feeling Torn,

I can feel the frustration in your letter. Making sense of our internal world is a confusing process, and it often takes us longer than we ever expected.

Let me start by reassuring you that you’re not alone, and you’re not too late.

I believe that self-discovery is a lifelong journey we have the privilege to experience. Every day we get to discover new parts of ourselves. Something new we enjoy, or something that seemed scary turns out to be a strong suit of ours. This is the learning process. How exciting to meet new parts of you every day!

From that starting point, it makes a lot of sense that you’ve been oscillating back and forth for a while now. This is a common experience among Bi+ folks. (We talked a little bit about it in season 2, in our episode with Rosie Nelson.)

The messaging that is often imparted to us from well-meaning educators is the story of “we’ve always known.” That straight folks simply “knew” that they were straight since before they had independent consciousness and never thought to question it further. That gay folks “always knew” they were on the opposite end of social norms, and their lives were all about learning how to adapt social scripts to the reality of their desire.

It’s so normal, and so valid for us to seek a similar feeling. And some of us do experience the “always knew” feeling that’s so often talked about. But more often, our desire isn’t as fixed as others might preach. We oscillate between truths. Yes, following one of the monosexual scripts sounds appealing. But sometimes, another one calls out to us, too.

Bi+ identity and community is encompassing of these feelings. We welcome, accept, and love you through them. There’s no need to find “the thing” that perfectly matches what you’re experiencing at every single point throughout your life. The fluidity is the community. It is the identity.

Now that we’ve talked a little bit about the fluidity of Bi+ identity and experience, let’s chat about the other questions in your letter.

“Bi” feels right, but I don’t really know if I’m attracted to men

I’ve heard this a lot in offline conversations, and I totally understand how it can be confusing to experience. However, I will note that Bi+ sexuality, identity, and community does not revolve around men.

I’ve heard all the gazillion accusations hurled at Bi+ women about being “male centered,” “haven’t deconstructed compulsory heterosexuality,” and how our lives “revolve around men.” 🙄

These accusations are not based on grounded reality. Many (if not most) Bi+ women involved in Bi+ community and/or activism have done the work. We know that our sexuality is not reserved for the male gaze. Our conversations do not revolve around what men do or don’t do. We’ve got a movement to push forward, a community to build. There are other things on our mind.

You can identify Bi+, be a part of our Bi+ community, AND feel ambivalent about men. You can do both.

Bisexuality, pansexuality, plurisexuality, and all labels under the Bi+ umbrella are about more than your attraction to men, specifically. These identities, and this community is about embracing fluidity, caring for each other, fighting objectification (on ALL fronts), and prioritizing collective care. That’s why we started Bisexual Killjoy in the first place. Being Bi+ is about expansion of possibilities.

Friend, what I’m trying to say here is that you don’t need to check a box that says “I hereby certify that I am attracted to men, in addition to all these other genders,” before joining our Bi+ community.

We are happy to greet you, welcome you, and embrace you as you are right now.

If it’s feeling like you’re attracted to women and some secret third thing, you’re welcome here.

If it’s feeling like you’re attracted to women and maybe some other genders too, you’re welcome here.

If it’s feeling like you’re attracted to some very specific type of people and that’s it, you’re absolutely welcome here.

You can sit with us for as long you’d like. It could be a few days, weeks, years, or even a lifetime. We’re lucky to have you.

And if at some point you discover more about yourself and decide that you’d rather sit at a different table that feels better, we’ll give you a beautiful send off with warm hugs. Becoming more yourself is a beautiful thing, and we’d never hold that against you.

How to find a community that fits me?

We talk a lot about how important it is to find your people. I don’t think Bailey and I ever shut up about it, in fact. And there’s a good reason for that.

Community (as in, a group of people you see regularly and you can depend on) is one of the single most predictive factors of your overall health and wellbeing. This is because having people around you who care about you creates a positive feedback loop where you end up caring more about yourself.

The people in your community are the ones who encourage you to go to the doctor when you don’t look so good, participate in outside activities to move your body, and craft a shared reality based on common values. It’s like a holistic multi-vitamin.

That said, finding and/or creating your community as an adult can be quite difficult, especially if you weren’t modeled healthy adult friendships in your family of origin. Trust me, I get how hard it can be. (Hello from the “I’ve moved to at least 5 different places on the map before turning 25” club.)

A few tips on how to find your community:

1. Search for pre-built groups that meet regularly

   1. Do some cursory research on groups that meet regularly in your area. This can be a local club, volunteer group, craft circle, DnD group, or even a church (try Unitarian Universalist if you aren’t strictly religious, but enjoy spirituality). Your local library probably has a directory of some kind with a handful of topic-based groups!

   2. If you’re in search of queer community specifically, I highly recommend searching specifically for DnD groups, or volunteer groups at your local pride/lgbtq center. Sometimes, there are also queer-coded coffeeshops, bars, or bookstores that host regular events.

2. Try out a few!

   1. Once you’ve got your list, pick one event that’s soon-ish and go! Tell the organizer that it’s your first time, and if they can give you a quick run-down of these events typically go. Ask questions, and introduce yourself!

   2. If the first one isn’t a right fit for you, that’s okay. Go back to your list and pick out one that feels like a better fit. This is an iterative process, and it’s okay if you have to try out a few groups before finding one you enjoy.

3. Keep showing up

   1. Once you’ve found one you like, keep going. Ask if there’s a group chat or email chain. Plan to meet one of the folks out for coffee in between events.

   2. Trust your gut and go with the flow. This is about exploring what it means to connect with fellow humans on a regular basis.

But, Jace, I’m having a hard time finding Bi-specific community

Right! I got off-track there, didn’t I? Here are some tips to find some Bi+ community, and explore if these are the spaces you’d like to be a part of.

1. Join a virtual space

   1. I’ve said it before on the pod, and I’ll keep saying it, online spaces are real spaces. As long as you’re interacting with fellow human beings, it counts!

   2. There are a lot of Bi+ groups online, all hosting events at different times and from different parts of the world. Of course, there’s our Discord community where we host events every month. There’s also the Bi+ World Meetup, BRC online events, and BQUAC with regular virtual events you can join.

   3. These are great places to connect with other Bi+ folks in a low-stakes environment. Log in, chat for a little, do a group activity, and ask questions. The more you do this, the more comfortable and confident you’ll feel.

2. Follow Bi+ creators

   1. Creating a protective bubble of Bi+ media for yourself can be really supportive on this journey of self-discovery. Sometimes, we don’t even know the questions we have until someone gives us an answer. (That’s one of the big reasons why Bisexual Killjoy exists.)

   2. Following Bi+ creators who focus on Bi+ education, creating Bi+ content, and nurturing a global Bi+ community is a fantastic way to immerse yourself in the culture.

3. Ask for guidance

   1. Once you’ve found your creators and regular online groups, I invite you to ask for extra guidance and support. Sometimes, a group is almost a fit for us. That’s totally normal. This is when asking someone for directions can be helpful. Staying for a few minutes post-event and saying “Hey, I really like this space, but I think I’m searching for something similar that also has x (or doesn’t have y). Do you know of any place that’s like that?” can take you far.

   2. You can also ask in group chats, community forums, and creator DMs (as long as you’re kind about it). It’s all about figuring out what your specific needs are.

TL;DR

You’re welcome to sit with us at the Bi+ table for as long as you’d like. It’s okay if you’re not entirely clear on the specifics of it all.

Experiencing fluidity in our desire across our lifetime (due to trauma or anything else) is a normal, human experience. It is also a staple Bi+ experience. We get it, and we’re happy to have you in the community.

Finding your community is important. Try out a few pre-made communities on for size (in-person and digital). If they don’t fit quite right, try out a different one. It’s okay if it takes a couple of tries to find your people.

Online spaces are real spaces. Online connections are real connections. Embrace them as a part of your queer self-discovery.

You’re doing great. Life can be very messy and sometimes confusing, but you’re clearly on the right path towards discovering more about yourself. That’s what counts the most.

Please keep us updated on how things go! We’d love to hear from you again on your community-finding journey ✨

Stay Bisexual & Stay Strong,
Jace

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