Give It to Me Bi: Do I Belong At Pride?
At this point, we're professional bisexuals. Give It To Me Bi is a bi-weekly advice column where your favorite Bisexual Killjoys answer all your questions about being bi+.
Q.
Dear Bailey & Jace,
I’m out and proud as a bisexual woman. I love who I am, and I do my best to embody the bisexual killjoy spirit that you talk about on the podcast. But honestly, I’m not looking forward to Pride this year.
I’ve been seeing so much biphobia online, and it feels like more than the typical “bi women and their boyfriends” stuff from years before. I’m scared that if I go to pride events in my city, I’ll just feel like an outcast, be “quizzed” on my queerness, or told to go away.
Any advice on how to keep going strong despite it all?
How do I even show up and get excited over Pride with all this anxiety?
Sincerely,
Feeling Invisible
A.
Dear Feeling Invisible,
First of all, kudos to you for embodying the Bisexual Killjoy spirit! The most important part of the journey is always recognizing yourself and standing proud in that knowledge. Kudos to you for embracing your own authenticity!
Second, I relate so much to the feelings you’re describing here. As Bi+ women, we’re often the scapegoats for all the community’s ills. And yes, the biphobia does feel especially strong this year. Please know that this is not our fault in any way. It’s never our fault that the haters seem to have infinite reserves of hate.
It’s also okay to feel hesitant about going to pride events. I want to validate these concerns you’re feeling, because we cannot do ourselves the injustice of ignoring our own instincts. (That’s what the patriarchy wants us to do, and we ain’t giving in.)
It’s also important to show up even when we hesitate. Because representation is important, visibility is important, taking up space is important.
So, how do we both honor our instincts and still choose to show up? We prepare.
Building Your Pride Survival Kit
Buddy System
We use this term lightly. Take a buddy, a whole group, or join a pre-made Bi+ collective, any of these will do. Just find the nearest Bi+ person, and make a plan to go to at least one Pride event. The goal is to have an experience that you enjoy, make a nice memory and have fun. There is absolutely no need to try and go with folks who aren’t going to celebrate your bisexuality. Show up with people who already accept and support you.
Minimal Online Presence
A recent takeaway from my chats with fellow chronically-online folks is that sometimes, you’ve just got to block more people and go touch grass. If you’re encountering nasty biphobia on your feed from strangers, block them. (ESPECIALLY if they don’t have a profile picture, or have any red flags in their bio. Bots are real, and we don’t need them in our feeds.)
For real though, I want to say that there’s a lot less in-fighting and identity-policing in real-life spaces. Finding these good interactions is so important for our long-term sustainability of just participating in queer spaces.
Have Your Comebacks at the Ready
There are people who will ask you questions in bad faith, and folks who are just curious. It’s not really your job to discern the difference between these two kinds of interactions if you don’t want to. There are people (like us!) who have whole careers dedicated to educating folks on the subject. So send them our way.
“Sounds like you have a lot of questions. Do you think you might be Bi? Awesome! Here’s a QR code where you can learn more!”
“You sound confused. Don’t worry, I know I can be here even if you’re a bit confused about it.”
“Woah! What makes you think asking that is okay? Here’s a link to a quick 101, it sounds like you need it.”
“You clearly have a lot going on that you need to sort out if the most important thing you have going on is policing people’s queerness. But that’s not me so… bye.”
We aren’t going to give the online haters any air time, so why should the offline ones get any? It’s not your job to educate folks, or convince them that they’re wrong. So if you get any hint that an interaction is going to strip you of your energy, set it the intention that it goes right back to sender. You don’t have to engage at all. Grab your buddy and go somewhere else.
Design Your Own Pride Experience
There are so many things going on during Pride month, it can be overwhelming just reading about it. I invite you to release any pressure you might feel about going to everything just to represent or “enjoy it to the fullest.”
You get to craft your own pride experience that suits you. Prioritize organizations or event hosts that you’re familiar with. Get recommendations from your buddies about the good places to hang out. And make sure you focus on your own wellbeing. Take regular breaks, drink water, and eat well.
Courage is Fear Walking
Even with all these steps and prep, you might still feel some worry and anxiety. This is normal and an okay thing to experience. It’s human. If this is you, I invite you to start small. Gather your support net and take that one step. Go to that one event. The more small positive experiences you have, the more confidence you gain for the next one.
Courage is recognizing the fear, and making that tiny choice through it. Get comfy with whatever scenario feels most probable and your potential responses, this will help you feel safe with yourself when you go out into the world. This is because you get to reassure yourself that even if it does happen, you know how to handle it. This removes a lot of the anxiety of the unknown, and allows you to summon a stronger kind of courage.
You’re already doing so well! Your community loves you, and Pride is yours to embrace how you want to.
We belong at Pride as much as anyone else does. We deserve to get excited about it, too.
Stay Bisexual & Stay Strong,
Jace
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