Give It To Me Bi: Binegativity & Bi+ Guys
At this point, we're professional bisexuals. Give It To Me Bi is a bi-weekly advice column in your favorite Bisexual Killjoys answer all your questions about being bi+.
Q.
Dear Bailey & Jace,
Lately, I have strong and frequently negative reactions when I interact with bisexual men. I’m genuinely not comfortable with these reactions, and it hurts me when I do because it’s unkind, and I don’t understand where it’s coming from. I’m a part of the LGBTQ community, and I’ve come to terms with my own bisexuality after years of Evangelical oppression, but I still can’t get over this bi-guy hurdle.
Do you have any advice or reading materials that could help me manage these feelings?
Sincerely,
Struggling with Binegativity
A.
Dear Struggling with Binegativity,
First, thank you for being honest about this. It takes a lot of courage to admit when our reactions don’t align with our values, and even more to ask for help untangling them. You’re right that it can feel unkind, and that discomfort is important; it’s your conscience nudging you toward growth. That’s a good sign.
It’s also worth noting that you’re not alone. A lot of people (including bi+ people ourselves) carry internalized binegativity and biases. Years of cultural messaging from evangelical teachings to mainstream media have trained us to see bisexuality, especially in men, as suspicious, threatening, greedy, confused, or somehow “less than.” You’ve been steeped in those narratives your whole life. Of course they left a mark. The fact that you notice it and want to change is already a huge step forward.
A few thoughts for moving through this:
1. Get curious about the reaction instead of pushing it away.
When you notice that negative feeling rising up, pause and ask yourself: What exactly is being triggered here? Sometimes our bodies are reacting to old scripts (“bi+ men are promiscuous,” “bi+ men are secretly gay,” “bi+ men are unsafe”), even when our minds know better. Simply naming those scripts can loosen their hold.
2. Remember that bisexual men are not an idea—they’re people.
Try to connect with bi+ men as individuals, not as representatives of your unease. Listen to their stories, follow their writing, watch how they talk about love, family, joy. Seeing the diversity of their lives can help dismantle the narrow stereotypes lodged in your head. It may help to make note of the good bi+ men you already know. You actually know one through this very podcast: our sound engineer (and my partner), Richie. My biases aside (ha), he’s an incredibly good dude, and he’s also bi. Which is to say: the category “bisexual man” is not a monolith of your fears; it’s full of actual people you’d probably be lucky to know.
And not for nothing, I’ve always thought Jesus was bi. Everything you read about that guy is soft bi guy energy. I’m not a Christian anymore, but I am a fan of a bisexual socialist who knew when it was time to flip tables and call out hypocrisy.
3. Seek out resources that center bi+ men’s voices.
Part of unlearning bias is letting the people you’ve been taught to fear or distrust speak for themselves. As long as bisexual men remain an abstract category in your mind, stereotypes will rush in to fill the space. But when you hear their stories in their own words, it’s a lot harder for those stereotypes to stick. Because honestly, as soon as you start humanizing people, the hate and distrust start to loosen their grip.
A few places to start:
Bi: Notes for a Bisexual Revolution by Shiri Eisner (a foundational text on bi politics, including gender dynamics).
Work by Zachary Zane (writer/activist who often tackles misconceptions about bi+ men).
Podcasts like Give It To Me Bi or Two Bi Guys that showcase bi+ male perspectives with humor and honesty.
The Bisexual Resource Center (brc.org), which has educational materials and stories by bi+ men.
These resources aren’t just about education. They’re about empathy! They remind you that bisexual men are partners, parents, friends, lovers, nerds, artists, neighbors. They’re whole human beings, not a bundle of stereotypes. And the more you let yourself see them that way, the less room there is for binegativity to take root.
4. Offer yourself some compassion, too.
Internalized oppression doesn’t vanish overnight. You’re unwinding years of training, and that’s messy work. The goal isn’t to never have a reactive thought again. It’s to notice it, challenge it, and choose a different response. Over time, that repetition reshapes the reflex.
We’ll leave you with this: rejecting binegativity is not just about being kind to others, it’s also about freeing yourself. Those negative scripts don’t only harm bi+ men; they limit all of us in how we can love, trust, and see each other fully. By working through this, you’re not just repairing your relationship to bi+ men, you’re expanding your own capacity for connection.
And so you know I’m not talking out of my therapized ass, here’s my experience: Years ago, I was with someone who discovered he was bi while we were together. When we broke up, he weaponized that identity against me. He told me I was the one who was going to cheat on him, that my bisexuality was the real threat. After that, I honestly thought bi+ men were just confused and angry.
But moving to a bigger city changed that. I met more bi+ men, and I realized what I should have known all along: every queer person’s experience is shaped by the world they move through. Some people are shitty. Others are dope as hell. And now that I’m married to an incredible bi guy, I can’t imagine abandoning the bi-for-bi relationship model. It’s where I’ve found the most safety and joy.
So take heart: your discomfort now doesn’t mean you’ll always feel this way. When you open yourself to listening, learning, and humanizing bi+ men, you might just find yourself surrounded by people who expand your sense of what’s possible.
In solidarity,
Bailey
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