Give It to Me Bi: Am I Too Picky to be Bi?

At this point, we're professional bisexuals. Give It To Me Bi is a bi-weekly advice column in your favorite Bisexual Killjoys answer all your questions about being bi+.

Q.

Dear Bailey & Jace,

I’m a Bi woman, and ever since I came out I’ve been bombarded with rhetoric about how Bi women are “attracted to all women and 4 men.” While I thought it was funny at first, and the meme kind of made sense, things have now shifted. My queer friends use it to “prove” my bisexuality isn’t as valid as other people’s bisexuality because I’m not attracted to “every type of woman” (never mind that I’m also not attracted to every type of man!).

Is it unusual to have such an uneven “gender balance”? How do I tell my friends that I’m still bisexual even if I’m not head over heels in love with every queer woman I meet?

Sincerely,
Too Picky

A.

Dear Too Picky,

Let me reassure you that there is no “one way” to be bisexual or experience Bi+ attraction. The percentage split and 50/50 myth are both leftovers from the Kinsey Scale era – and that’s something we’ve outgrown. The experience of being Bi+ is different for every individual, and while we do speak with a collective voice when necessary, that does not negate our particular experiences and desires.

This may be a bold claim, but nobody is attracted to “every kind of woman/man”. To the same extent that a person is not compatible with every single person they go on a first date with. So many factors come into play. Things like career goals, relationship aspirations, political views, and yes, gender performance, too.

All these things play a role in our desire for someone because we are social creatures with preferences and expectations. It is not a unique factor of any one demographic or sexual identity.

If anything, the fact that you are able to put into words so clearly the aspects that you’re attracted to in a person (man or woman) is a clear indication of your own self-awareness.

It’s totally okay and acceptable for you to have a type. That type can change depending on a person’s gender, or it can be the same across the gender spectrum. That does not matter as much as your confidence in your own identity and desire.

So, no, it is not unusual for you to experience such an “uneven gender balance”. Your experience is not out of the ordinary, and it does not make you any less bisexual. You know what you want in a partner, and that’s far more clarity than most folks have.

As for how to tell your friends, it depends on how long this has been going on, and what your ultimate goal is.

Personally, I’m partial to the assertive shut-down. Sometimes, folks need to be told to just stop.

“Friend, this is not the first time you have made a comment like this, and it is not okay. Saying things like this is disrespectful to me and my own queer journey. I am bisexual, as I’ve told you before. My preferences, dating history, and your perception of me do not change that fact. If this continues, I will be forced to create some distance between us.”

Note from the Bailey corner: Tell them to shut the fuck up. Or, “Really weird that you’re so concerned about what’s going on in my pants. Do you have something you want to share?” OR “There’s one thing I know for sure, you are not my type.”

Now, I know that boundary-setting can be difficult and it can even feel confrontational at times. If this approach feels too direct for you, there’s always the persistent approach.

Every time they say something that directly or indirectly invalidates your queerness/bi+ identity, shut it down. It doesn’t have to be a drawn-out interaction at all. Think of it as a slap on the wrist.

• “As I’ve said, I’m bisexual.”

• “Just because I have a type, doesn’t mean I’m not bisexual.”

• “It makes me profoundly uncomfortable when you say things about me that aren’t true.”

• “What you just said is really hurtful. I’m bisexual, so what?”

I also believe it’s really important to ground yourself in your truth. A lot of times, in this tug-of-war over who’s queer or not, there’s a tendency to misquote others. Sometimes unconsciously, but more often, it’s very deliberate. Remember to affirm to yourself (and those around you) what you know to be true.

Some examples:

• “I’ve never said it’s okay to refer to me as the straight friend. I am bisexual, which makes me not straight.”

• “My bisexuality is not determined by percentages. Please refrain from framing your assumptions about me as fact.”

• “I am confident in my identity as a bisexual person. I do not need your input.”

It’s all an exercise in setting and maintaining boundaries with yourself and those around you. Who you are not up for debate or interpretation from others. Especially not others who do not know what it’s like to walk a mile in your shoes.

You’re a confident, bisexual woman who’s clear on what she wants in a relationship. You have the guts to say out loud what so many people are embarrassed over. (I know I was super embarrassed when I first realized I had a type…)

You’ve got this. And just so you know, my wife found me on a dating app because she was too picky about the people she went on dates with. So you’ve got my vote and hers on having high standards. It’s a good thing.

Keeping those standards high,
Jace

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