Give It to Me Bi: Am I just allergic to heteronormativity?

At this point, we're professional bisexuals. Give It To Me Bi is a bi-weekly advice column where your favorite Bisexual Killjoys answer all your questions about being bi+.

Q.

Dear Bailey & Jace,

I’ve been reflecting a lot on the topic of gender and heteronormativity recently. I feel like Bi+ people are, in a way, allergic to the practice of heteronormativity. We exemplify what it means to be culturally queer, especially when it comes to Bi+ women and men “queering” gender roles. Do you think that Bi+ people are “allergic” to heteronormativity? What does that say about us Bi+ people as a whole?

Sincerely,
Out of the Norm

A.

Dear Out of the Norm,

This is such a brilliant question! I feel like we’ve touched on the subject lightly both on the podcast and this advice column, but you’re right. Let’s give this reflection some undivided attention here.

You definitely have a point, Bi+ people resist the temptation to succumb to typical gender roles and norms as established by the patriarchy. But why is that?

It’s because we don’t shy away from asking the hard questions. Coming into your own identity as a Bi+ person is really a process of questioning things you’ve taken for granted so far. That could be things you have been told by others, or things you thought were real for you that suddenly feel a little off. There is always confusion and questioning before true clarity reveals itself. It’s the same for any discovery.

What makes Bi+ people distinct is that we don’t expect this clarity to be set in stone. We recognize that we resolved our confusion once, and we look forward to resolving confusion whenever it comes again. This extends beyond sexual attraction, it encompasses multiple areas in our lives. Most notably: relationships.

I don’t think that Bi+ people are immune to fantasizing about the future. With all the possibilities in our lives, perhaps we’re prone to fantasizing even more than our monosexual counterparts. We wonder about the qualities our future partners might have, and who we will become when we are with them. We wonder about the aspects of ourselves we are willing to give up, and which ones are non-negotiable.

It doesn’t matter the gender of our future partner, there are just some things that we refuse to let go of- a project, a dream, a career…

This forces us to reflect on how much our actual, ideal future deviates from the future that has been scripted for us. And once we’re quite clear on the specifics, the actual steps we take end up being radically different from the heteronormative script we were given.

This is where the “allergy” to heteronormativity comes in. It’s in the fact that we don’t want or in any way desire a heteronormative relationship. We might feel drawn to aspects of it- I’m not gonna shame a bi woman for her desire to be a stay-at-home mom- but our desire for a full life that includes our Bi+ness necessarily means rejecting the overly-gendered heterosexual norm.

This rejection is precisely what “causes” problems when we come out as Bi+. Everyone’s confused over “what it means” because there are no scripts for it. It’s a social blank-slate, where we get to decide what it means for ourselves moving forward.

We feel the urge to queer the relationships we are in. We are explicit in negotiating our agreements and communicating our wants. Our wants likely include fostering connections with our Bi+ community, regardless of what kind of relationship we’re in. We share what doesn’t sit right with us about the “heterosexual expectation” and move towards a kind of connectedness that brings us closer to our queerness.

That is the relationship we have with heteronormativity in relationships and gender roles. We dismiss it entirely. We take away its power by refusing to center what our lives “should” look like when we choose our partners. We focus on ourselves, our communities, and the kind of love we wish to know in this life.

I have seen the “promised land” of the cishetero-patriarchy. And I’ve got to say, I’m not impressed. I wouldn’t touch it with a ten-foot pole.

I have asked the questions, meditated on the answers, and decided: the norm has nothing of value to offer me. It’s fucking boring.

So yeah, I do think that us Bi+ people are allergic to heteronormativity in the best way possible. In a way that prioritizes our wants and desires out of life and relationships. In a way that centers community, authenticity, and love.

It means that we are revolutionaries at our core. It means that we are thought leaders and community creators. It means that we rise above the boring limitations these structures insist we abide by. It means that we do not concern ourselves with living the “right” kind of life. We choose to live a true kind of life.

Basically, we’re kinda badass.

With love,
Jace

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