Show Notes
Just in time for Bi+ Health Awareness month, Bailey and Lynn do a deep dive into the bafflingly mysterious world of bi+ health. Despite representing the majority of the LGBTQ+ community, little is known about bi+ folks and their health. We do know that bi+ women are more likely to experience mood disorders than their hetero- and homosexual counterparts. We do know that bi+ women are at a higher risk from violence from an intimate partner than their hetero- and homosexual counterparts. We don’t know much else, though, and that needs to change. In this episode, learn more about the state of bi+ healthcare in America, where we’ve been, and where we should be going.
Full Transcript
[intro music, laughter]
Bailey Merlin
Welcome to Bisexual Killjoy. I’m Bailey and this is…
Lynn Ríos Rivera
Lynn! [laughs]
Bailey Merlin
We’re so happy you’re here. And today we are talking about Bisexual health month and this episode is called, “Am I a Healthy Bisexual”? Lynn, what is the most Bisexual thing you have done since I saw you last?
Lynn Ríos Rivera
You know, I think the most chaotic Bisexual thing I’ve done has been I started kickboxing.
Bailey Merlin
Why is that Bisex–That is so Bisexual.
Lynn Ríos Rivera
Yeah, absolutely. But this is the thing. Like I’m not calling it kickboxing, I’m calling it, “I’m learning hand to hand combat”, is the thing.
Bailey Merlin
Okay.
Lynn Ríos Rivera
So this is adding to the chaos and fueling my need to be a Bisexual killjoy.
Bailey Merlin
Yeah, that’s, that’s pretty Bisexual. I think the most Bisexual thing I’ve done since I saw you last is, I’m just really into Baldur’s Gate 3 right now.
Lynn Ríos Rivera
That is very fair.
Bailey Merlin
I’m romancing everybody, everyone’s romancing me. I read a really cool article recently about, you know, how these characters were written to be pansexual, for their sexuality, to be fluid, not just to be player sexual, but so that it was a natural exploration of their character dynamics, and I’m just like, Finally! Some real, some real fucking food. Something that’s actually, you know, inclusive and interesting and doesn’t feel like it’s pandering at all. So I don’t know. I should get like a little badge that says, “Baldur’s Gate Bisexual”.
Lynn Ríos Rivera
I am here for that though. We need T-shirts.
Bailey Merlin
We need a lot of swag and we still need to get that opossum party thing going.
Lynn Ríos Rivera
We do. I’ll make little ID cards.
Bailey Merlin
Thank you. That’s all I’m asking for, really. It’s not that much.
[Lynn giggling]
But, you know, we’re coming up on March and it’s a very special month for Bi+ people, although not everyone knows what it is. The special thing about March is that it is Bi+ Health Awareness Month. And if you didn’t know what that was, welcome to the club because I also didn’t know what that was until, like two years ago. When was the first time you heard about it?
Lynn Ríos Rivera
Honestly, I think I heard about it this year. Like I…
Bailey Merlin
Oh! Did I tell you what it was?
Lynn Ríos Rivera
I think you did! [Laugh] Like, you mentioned, “oh, you know March is Bi+ Health Month” and I’m like, “oh, really”? Then somebody at the BRC was also talking about it and I’m like, “oh, right. Interesting. I should get on that.”
Bailey Merlin
Absolutely. And the Bisexual Resource Center here in Boston was the one that launched this effort in March of 2014. So this is their ten year anniversary of celebrating Bisexual Health Awareness Month.
It was this media campaign that was dedicated to raising awareness about the Bisexual plus community’s social, economic and health disparities, which would allow us to advocate for resources and inspire actions to improve overall Bi+ folks’ well-being and I love that for us because, boy, do we need it!
Lynn Ríos Rivera
Yeah, like the efforts of the Bisexual Resource Center are definitely, like, admirable and surrounding the dedication and the themes around this month, what about it makes it so important?
Bailey Merlin
Well, this actually wasn’t something that I had any idea about until I was working on my thesis last year. Bisexuals are really sick. There isn’t a ton of data out there right now around Bisexual health because Bisexuals are consistently erased from data collection. Or rather, not erased, but–ignored. Not even sort of thought of as something that we should be studying.
So while I can say given the conversations I’ve had with Bisexual people over the last two years, I can’t prove it empirically. But I do know that if we are ever going to find out how sick Bisexuals actually are, we have to bring awareness to the fact that Bi+ health is a thing that deserves time, energy and research dollars. Because if we can’t bring awareness of Bisexuals even in an exam room where a doctor won’t even acknowledge Bisexuality is a thing that you can be, then you have no chance for health equity, and Bisexuals will continue to be sick, continue to be ignored and ultimately not know why.
We can talk about this more, but almost all of the Bisexual women that I’ve talked to have a chronic illness. They have some sort of fatigue. They have anxiety, they have depression. And I’m sitting here listening to them talk and their faces are kind of blurring together because they’re telling the same story over and over again. So Bisexual Health Awareness Month is just this time when we can really get together as a community, wave our flags in the air and say, “Hey, listen to us, our health matters! Our health matters. Our health really, really matters. Can somebody do something about it?”
Lynn Ríos Rivera
Yeah. And I think that, in that same vein, something that I hear a lot coming from Bisexual people is that they’ll typically say something along the lines of I didn’t even know I could be Bisexual like– [laughs] Like I spent this whole period of my life trying to figure out if I was straight or gay, I didn’t know there was an option to be both. And part of being a Bisexual Killjoy is when you say, “well, what about both?”, people’s brains kind of glitch out a little. [Lynn laughs]
Bailey Merlin
Absolutely.
Lynn Ríos Rivera
And that’s for us, for ourselves who are actively experiencing that feeling. I can’t imagine what it must be like for a healthcare provider, knowing that there aren’t enough resources for Bisexual people. And it’s totally invisible in their brains and in their charts that both is an option. There’s something there about–yeah, like Bisexual visibility is super important, but also, like, Bisexual recognition. Bisexuality is an option. Bisexuality exists. Bisexuality is whole. People are Bisexual, whether or not I’m in the room, Bisexuality still exists.
Bailey Merlin
Yeah, Bisexuality doesn’t disappear as soon as I’m alone. I’m Bisexual 24 hours a day and–
Lynn Ríos Rivera
Seven days a week
Bailey Merlin
At least seven days a week. It’s a leap year this year I feel like I get an extra day to be extra Bisexual. [laughs]
Lynn Ríos Rivera
Yes!
Bailey Merlin
So, I really don’t think people realize how sick Bisexual people actually are, because the numbers surprise me, but let’s acknowledge the fact that the data set is small. You know, we only have a couple of studies that have been published in the last 20 years.
Thankfully, a growing amount of research is being done because more Bisexual researchers are getting in the field. I promise you this, like no straight people are getting in the field, like, “I’m going to study Bisexual health.” The Bisexuals are doing it for themselves, like they do everything else. There was this really interesting study that I was reading, I think it was the Dyar and Feinstein report from 20171 that found that Bisexual woman were more likely to have mood and anxiety disorders when compared to heterosexual and lesbian women, and the number’s substantial. So say 58% of Bisexual women experience some type of mood disorder. 47% of lesbians and 32% of heterosexual women, like, that’s significant. Those number differentials make you pause and say, what? Why is that? Is it because Bisexuals are inherently unstable because of their flexible sexuali–No.
Lynn Ríos Rivera
Oh my God.
Bailey Merlin
I mean, that’s certainly something that would come to mind, right, in a conversation. “Bi women are crazy” is definitely a stereotype that I have to fight against. Not because I’m crazy or have a mood disorder, but just when I tell people I’m Bi, they immediately make some assumptions about me.
Lynn Ríos Rivera
I often find that the assumption that kind of surrounds me like a cloud is if they’re Bi, they’re bipolar.
Bailey Merlin
Oh God.
[Lynn laughs]
Lynn Ríos Rivera
And like, there’s a lot there about the stigma and the misunderstanding around all of these different kind of disorders, but also the casual diagnosis based on nothing other than just, like, desire,
Bailey Merlin
Yeah.
Lynn Ríos Rivera
–is really confusing to me.
Bailey Merlin
I mean, that being said, people outside of the community need to mind their business when they say, oh, Bisexuals are bipolar, it means immediately that you are bipolar. But 58% of Bi+ women having some type of mood disorder is really high. There’s something there that needs to be studied so that the underlying issue can be addressed and people can get the assistance they need. Similar numbers for anxiety; Bisexual women in that study had higher rates of anxiety than lesbians or heterosexual women. Why is that?
What I think is actually horrifying and interesting in a bad way is, Bisexual women are at a higher rate for sexual assault than lesbians or heterosexual women. Why is that? And you know, you can have a biphobic person coming into the room and say, oh, it’s because they’re really promiscuous and they’re asking for it. Ma’am, have all the seats. Like that’s– The Dyar and Feinstein paper was talking about childhood sexual assault. Bi+ women are at higher risk of this happening to them before they’re even 18. Why? Why is that? Why isn’t anybody studying that? And the people that are, why aren’t they getting the funding they need to study, so we can put interventions in place to make sure that those numbers go down. So why aren’t Bi women being protected?
And I can’t even talk about male-identified Bisexuals and the rates of their mood disorders or their anxiety because those numbers aren’t out there, or–the ones–I haven’t found. I read a lot of Bisexual studies and the data just isn’t there as much. So let’s think about all these people who are being left behind by researchers because they’re just not considered, their health concerns aren’t considered because they “don’t exist” in their minds. I’m going to put a heavy sarcastic quotation mark around that.
Lynn Ríos Rivera
Yeah. And I think that when I started thinking about the whys, and the reasons and the causes–we touched on this, I think a little bit, on the last episode, but we spoke a little bit about gaslighting. And how Bisexuals are so very often gaslight into, “That’s not something that you experience, that is not something that’s real,” like, “I have no idea what you’re talking about”. Or even like, worse, victim blaming and what that does to ourselves, like and the importance of community. Because how is it that heterosexual people and monosexual people overall with the insistence of, “No that’s not a thing.” “You’re just confused and you just need to make a choice.” “If you can choose, why not just choose the easy option,” whatever that means in the scenario that you’re in. I think that that does something really profound that is not helpful to anyone and can really contribute to these numbers.
Bailey Merlin
Well, yeah. There’s the surprising amount of research that is being done about the impact of erasure. Of internalized Bi negativity, of internalized Bisexual erasure.
It’s hard to put into words what that actually feels like for someone who is not a Bi+ person. I can’t sit here and explain to you how it feels to sit in a room full of other queer people. And we go around the room and talk about our lives, our health concerns and everyone’s talking about, you know, these aggressions that they face in their life or their health concerns. And I’m sitting here being like, should I be in this room right now? I have troubles but are my troubles valid? Do I need to make space for other people? And that act of consistently making space, and making space, and making space–what’s left but like, this giant empty hole, right? And when people talk about loneliness and feelings of hopelessness. Personally, that’s what this internalized Bi negativity feels like. Like this thing that cannot be filled.
Lynn Ríos Rivera
Yeah. And how silence speaks volumes. I work in a gender and sexuality resource center and among the different resources that we have, we have a little guide for life as LGBT when in reality, what the guide really says is guide for lesbian and gays. We have a guide for transgender youth. This past semester I was thinking about this and I pitched it to my boss and I was like, hey, we should have a Bisexual resource guide. We should have something for Bisexual people.
And one of our interns is very close to finishing it up, and when I saw that I almost cried because, like I knew it was a good idea, but I didn’t sit down to think about the impact it’s going to have to have it alongside our trans resource guide. To have it alongside our LGBT resource guide. About how many times have I gone to these centers and been like, maybe this isn’t really the space for me? Because it’s quiet and silent, and maybe I should make space for others.
Bailey Merlin
Mhm, yeah, I’ve been thinking about space a lot, especially as we come into March and we, as advocates, make more conscious effort to take up space as Bisexuals. Because I went to the PCP [Primary Care Provider] this past week, actually.
It’s the first time I’ve gone in a while. I am very fortunate to have insurance, but over the summer I didn’t have insurance. So finally back on that train, and scheduled, I had to wait a while to finally meet my PCP. Which was, like, I didn’t have any pressing concerns. But, I go in. It’s with a new Health Center. Before, I was going to the Boston Medical Center Family Center, which is considered a safety net hospital, which I have always gone to a safety net hospitals, that’s where I feel comfortable. But as a person who now has good insurance, it didn’t feel right to continue taking up space at a place like that when other people need those resources more.
So now I go to Atrius, which is affiliated with Harvard. It was a really good experience and I think it’s because of a couple of things. One, they have so much staff, they have people willing to help you the whole way through. And then when I was doing my pre-interview paperwork, they asked for sexuality.
Lynn Ríos Rivera
Wow.
Bailey Merlin
It wasn’t even like, gay, lesbian, Bisexual. It had a lot of nuance to it and a space to write in your sexual identity if you identified as something else. I have only seen that–I saw that at the Boston Medical Center, I saw it here, but no other time in my life have I seen it and I’ve talked to plenty of people who identify as Bisexual who have never been able to disclose their sexuality, and they asked me, in my actual PCP with my doctor, she asked me if I had an open relationship or if I had more partners besides my husband. And it was like, super non-judgmental.
And I don’t think she asked me because I marked I was Bisexual. I think it was just, like, a question that they ask, but there was something about that that made me feel safe. Like, yeah, I’m a monogamous person, but thank you for asking. And I told her, like, thank you for asking that question, because not everyone has a monogamous partner structure. And if you don’t ask that question, they’re not going to tell you, and what health issues aren’t they bringing up because of that?
Anyway, I just wanted to–I just wanted to say like, thank you, healthcare, for actually being good at your job and for making space in that small way to make me more likely to be honest and open with my provider. And I was, I was like really straightforward after that point about all the stuff that I needed. And boy, oh boy, did she get me sent off with all the referrals I needed. I don’t know, what has your experience in healthcare been like as a Bisexual person?
Lynn Ríos Rivera
Wow. Nothing like yours, I’m gonna say. [Laughs}
I’m from Puerto Rico, and besides my pediatrician, from when I was a kid, I haven’t gone to a consistent doctor, mostly because ever since I started college, I haven’t actually left college. So I just go to student health services whenever. Also because insurance is not great when you’re a student. So that’s something that I’ve often very much struggled with.
And I can say that, like, nobody has ever asked me my sexuality or my kind of relationship structure and it’s always a little strange because I never know when to bring it up. And it gets very confusing because as the visit goes on and as we’re talking, it all of a sudden stops feeling relevant and I have more pressing issues on my mind typically whenever I go. So if I have something else that I’m primarily concerned with, then disclosing that I’m Bi or that I’m poly doesn’t seem to be the biggest thing that I should say. I think that gets complicated real quick.
Bailey Merlin
Hmmm. I’m gonna just, like, put my little interview hat on. What do you mean, tell me about complicated. What’s complicated about it?
Lynn Ríos Rivera
I think it’s complicated in terms of feelings because I don’t know about anybody else, any other Bisexuals, but I get really uncomfortable in the doctor’s office. I don’t want to be there, I will avoid it as much as I possibly can, and that could be because I’m Bi. It could also be because I’m Puerto Rican and I was taught that a cold is healed via chicken soup. Not that that’s untrue, but…[Laughs]
Bailey Merlin
Isn’t it scientifically proven that it helps?
Lynn Ríos Rivera
It does, yes, because of the fat in chicken it has like immunoglob– im– [indistinct] I know the word Spanish. [Laughs]
Bailey Merlin
Wait, say it in Spanish. We’re trying to be inclusive.
Lynn Ríos Rivera
Inmuno–Inmuno. Nope, maybe I don’t know it in Spanish. Inmunoglobulinas.
Bailey Merlin
Oh.
Lynn Ríos Rivera
It’s basically just, it helps your immune system is what I’m trying to say. But yeah, like I was raised aware that chicken soup and Vicks VapoRub, those two are gonna cure you with everything.
So I never really want to go to the doctor and whenever I do have to go, it’s because I Have. To. Go. And disclosing my sexual orientation is not the first thing that comes to mind. But it is somewhere in there of like, maybe I should say that, this feels like something that might be relevant. But by the time I’m out of there and I haven’t said anything, inevitably, either because, like, we haven’t spent enough time talking or it’s a new person and I don’t feel super comfortable. It feels icky to leave the room and to leave the building and kind of say, “Oh. Maybe this information was important and I didn’t say that.”
Bailey Merlin
Yeah, it brings up the question, not only are you out to your doctor, and I think technically I’m out to my doctor on paper, but it didn’t come up in conversation with my doctor. I didn’t feel like I couldn’t talk about it. You’re not out to your doctor, is what I got, right?
Lynn Ríos Rivera
Yeah, like, I feel like outness is a strange way to, like, describe it because it’s not that I’m not out. But also–
Bailey Merlin
It hasn’t come up.
Lynn Ríos Rivera
It hasn’t come up, yeah.
Bailey Merlin
Which brings us to the question: Why should you be out to your doctor? I have thoughts, but what do you think about that?
Lynn Ríos Rivera
You know, I think that what first comes to mind–And I know that with HIPAA and all the things, I don’t super know how that works. But the first thing that comes to mind is just the data. The database; the data set–like if anybody requests information from any given, like, doctor or if those things get uploaded somewhere, I don’t know. I feel like it’s important to have that written down. It’s important to have it for the stats and I also think that it’s important because–And this has come up when I talk to fellow Bisexual folks, where my Bisexuality informs more than just my sexual activity, right? It informs so much more than just, who am I sleeping with. And that feels important to mention to my doctor.
Bailey Merlin
I absolutely agree with this, with you on the, “my Bisexuality has so much more to do with than who I’m sleeping with.” Here I am a monogamous cisgender person who for all intents and purposes presents femme, presents–I hate saying this, but like, straight I guess–I still think that it is important for me to come out.
So here’s the thing about advocacy, gentle listeners, that if you are in a safe space, if you are in a position of power, meaning you do not think that you will lose coverage or you will receive poor care for coming out, you should come out to your doctor. Whether it’s on paper or whether it’s just like casually saying, hey, B-T-dubs, I’m Bisexual. Please note that in my chart for the sake of other Bi+ and other queer people in general who do not feel safe coming out, who do not feel like they feel like–they feel like their doctor will treat them differently because they come out to them as queer.
This is a representation thing. This is a data thing. This is, you know, eventually, doctors will say, man, I sure do have a lot of Bisexuals in my office these days. What’s special about them? What’s different about them? And this could encourage them to actually educate themselves about Bisexuality and the health risks that we have, which goes back to, like, mental health and substance use, and also my pet theory, which is chronic illness.
And saying, how could I better support my Bisexual patients, my pansexual patients? Could I ask them questions about, “Do you have anything that you want to talk about today? Oh, you noted Bisexuality in your chart. Is there anything around that that you’d like to discuss with me right now? Feel free to bring it up always,” or to talk about sexual healthcare, or just like anything really.
So coming out to your doctor, to me, is really important, if you can. Just to start a conversation, to have the doctor start asking questions. I’m always a resource for a doctor if they’ve got questions about Bisexuality. I literally walk around to educate people about Bisexuality. But I also know that it’s not an option for everyone. The last couple of weeks, actually, I’ve been talking to people who identify as Bisexual, queer, some form of non-monosexuality to ask them, what do you want from your doctor? What do you need from your doctor’s experience that you’re not getting right now. You wanna take a guess what the number one thing is?
Lynn Ríos Rivera
No, I just wanna hear.
Bailey Merlin
Come on. Just like a little, just a guess.
Lynn Ríos Rivera
Just a little guess, I guess. Um, I don’t know, validation maybe?
Bailey Merlin
Close, validation is one of them, but it’s don’t make assumptions. Don’t make assumptions about me when I tell you I’m Bisexual. Don’t assume that I’m going out every night having orgies, lots of unprotected sex, that I am very bipolar and I am getting on top of anything that moves. I mean, some of us do that, which is totally valid, something I should feel comfortable talking about with my doctor. But don’t assume that Bisexuals are inherently deviant and out to get whatever they can. And that made me really sad. Don’t make assumptions being the number one thing, not, like, do my lab work on time. Don’t make assumptions about me.
[Soft laughter]
Lynn Ríos Rivera
Yeah. And I mean, I totally get that because in non-doctor contexts there have been moments where, and I don’t typically have the idea of coming out living in my head, but sometimes I’ll say it and it will be the first time that I’ll say “Yeah, I’m Bi” in a group of people.
And I can feel the difference in the air. I can feel the cogs turning and the assumptions being made and the oh, you’re one of those. And I can imagine how, like, difficult that’s got to be, to anticipate that very same feeling with someone that you’re being extremely vulnerable with.
Bailey Merlin
Yeah, I mean, let’s talk about vulnerable, I went to the PCP and the gynecologist this week.
Lynn Ríos Rivera
Oof.
[Laughter]
Bailey Merlin
It was time and I have to say that I always prefer a woman to perform my Pap and I was very lucky to get a nurse practitioner to do my Pap this time. And she was really–I don’t know what kind of trauma classes this lady was taking, but their intake form requested: Are you sexually active? If yes, does your partner have a vagina or penis? And I have never seen that question on a medical form before. That’s so, I don’t know, just, like, took the whole gender thing out of it.
[Laughter]
Lynn Ríos Rivera
So affirming, like on so many levels it is so affirming.
Bailey Merlin
I’m sure that there is, you know, there may be a third and fourth answer that we could also put on that, but at the same time, I was just so pleasantly surprised to see that. So anyway, I go to the back. I do tell my nurse practitioner that I am Bisexual and she says, oh, okay. I see here that you are married, that your partner has a penis. Are you sexually active with anyone else? No judgement. Simple question, I said no. She said, Okay! Do you want STI testing today? And I said no. And she’s like, OK!
And the whole exam itself was very, very straightforward. And the conversations I’ve had with Bisexuals in sexual health care settings have been way more hair raising than regular PCPs. You know, they go and have sexual healthcare visits that are very invasive, some of them straight-up sound to me like assault. So, but this woman was so gentle with me, she warmed up all of the materials. She told me exactly what she was doing. She said, “Are you comfortable?” This is what it’s going to feel like, I’m touching you with my hand and just communicated the whole time.
The way this is relevant to Bisexual healthcare is if all doctors and providers could take on this level of care, they would have much more honest conversations with their patients. Their patients would feel way more comfortable disclosing, like, oh yeah, I’m Bisexual. I am married, but I also have all of these other partners and would like STI testing, because there’s no judgement there. And then you’re telling me exactly what you’re doing. And guess what, Lynn? This took no extra time out of this lady’s day to be kind and commutative, it was just a part of her spiel. She was with me for a total of 15 minutes. And she did all of that and made me feel–Oh, Okay. The gynecologist isn’t that bad. Oh, maybe I need to make sure I come here on time and not wait until I’m like, hmm, do I need a new IUD?
[Lynn laughs]
Bailey Merlin
I’m very, I’m very passionate about healthcare and I’m very passionate about, like Bisexuals and healthcare because we deserve compassion. We deserve to be treated like humans and told exactly what is happening to our bodies at all times. Everybody deserves that, of course, but especially Bisexuals, who again, are at higher rates for traumatic events happening to us. So we need that extra layer of communication. You have any– anything to add to that?
[Both laughing]
Lynn Ríos Rivera
Yes, I think–I love that. And I love that this experience for you felt so warm. And in that same vein, it takes a lot of the guesswork out of it. I feel like a lot of times we’ll go to the doctor and even when we’re talking about health-related subjects outside of a doctor’s office, there’s a lot of euphemisms and a lot of assumptions happening behind the questions and behind the answers. And the same way that, like–Hey, an extra bit of kindness, of gentleness, of empathy and compassion, did not take up extra time for you, asking the question is going to help with the mental space, it’s going to take out the guesswork. It’s easier. It’s a better experience for the patient and for the doctor and for the nurses, and for the administrators.
The experience overall gets a lot smoother when we ask what we really want to ask, the information that we actually need instead of the euphemism involved in it.
Bailey Merlin
And I can’t speak for the experiences, the health experiences of nonbinary folks or male presenting people who go to the doctor for other reasons that I don’t go to the doctor for, and what their experiences in this space is. As Bi people, what that is like. From the stories that I’ve heard from Bisexuals who identified as male was that they never, ever, ever brought up Bisexuality in the exam room and I have this factoid floating in the back of my head that maybe Bisexual men are at a higher risk for prostate cancer?
But that also might be having a Bernstein Bear moment where this is just like an alternative reality where I dreamt that I read this factoid. And that to me, is so bizarre for a different reason I can’t name, but I think that when it comes to Bisexual men’s health, there’s so much more focus on sexual health care than mental health care.
I didn’t find any statistics comparing mood disorders to Bi men, straight men, and gay men. But I sure did see, you know, HIV rates, STI rates as in, you see, like sexual assault numbers, which is horrifying. And I feel so angry that Bi men are being excluded from the research conversation at all, unless it has to do with sex. Because Bi men are so much more than sex. They have so many other concerns and if I was a Bi man, I would not feel comfortable bringing any of that up to my doctor for fear of stigmatization and getting poorer care.
Lynn Ríos Rivera
Huh. and I think back to, like, the situation with these false dichotomies, right? Like we asked different questions to women, femme presenting people, than we do men, masculine presenting people. In a lot of ways, we experience completely different realities. We experience completely different interactions and somehow we’re supposed to fall in love with each other and have functional families. But that’s a story for another day on false dichotomies. It gets confusing! The dimensions of self that are erased in this process by just reifying these kind of connotations. It’s, it’s awful.
Bailey Merlin
I just thought of a story that I heard while I was doing my master’s thesis, when I talked to an older Bisexual man. When I say older, I think Boomer, and he was not out. He was out to his wife and a few other people that they had an open relationship with. He never talked about it. But you want to know where he felt comfortable getting STI testing?
Lynn Ríos Rivera
Where?
Bailey Merlin
Planned Parenthood. Planned Parenthood baby! I will sing the praises of Planned Parenthood till I am dust because the way they do inclusive, accessible care, it doesn’t matter who you are, where you are. If you can get to a Planned Parenthood, you are in good hands. They are going to not ask you any questions about, like, “oh, why are you here today?” They see what are you here for today? Let’s get it done.
And listening to him, he was saying, you know, that doctor was the only person that I think knew I was having sex with other men, because he felt safe. And to think that an older man with power and money felt unsafe disclosing his sexuality to his regular doctor blew my mind. Like wow, it is really rough in the streets for these Bisexual men that they can’t get care, they feel unsafe getting care no matter who they are.
Lynn Ríos Rivera
What came up for me as I hear you say this is the myth of passing privilege. This whole idea that because you pass everything is okay, but that comes with a really big caveat, which is, passing privilege comes at the expense of me not being out or me being closeted. Or worse, like actively being erased. Actively being delegitimized. Actively being told I don’t exist. That my experience is not real. And how these doctors offices can really be not just affirming and validating, but also lifesaving.
Bailey Merlin
You have–I mean, you do have an idea. But like, you have no idea how life saving places that are affirming are. I talked to so many younger people, you know, think late teens, early 20s, who went to Planned Parenthood for affirming care, who I also identified as Bisexual. And one of these young people told me that it was the first time that they had come out to anyone that they weren’t sleeping with. And even then that was like, oh, I’m sleeping with you. We don’t need to talk about it, you know what’s happening.
But they finally told their doctor and they, like, cried in front of their doctor because they thought, oh, I’m pansexual, I’m pansexual. And the doctor was like, that’s dope. Do you want an STI test today? And that was it. Like, that was the end of the conversation. [Laughter]
And that’s all it needs to be. So many doctors get in this field to, I assume, make money. Maybe some people want to help, there are a lot of good doctors out there. But what I found really surprising is how prudish doctors actually can be. And if you tell them, “Oh yeah, I went to–I went to an orgy last week and I need STI testing.” Their answer isn’t like, oh, of course, let’s get you a full panel. It’s, [gasp] “You shouldn’t be going to orgies. That is unsafe behavior.” Brother, I’m going to keep going, I’m going to keep going to orgies and you’re not going to stop me just because you’re, like, shaming me. And now I’m just not going to get STI testing. It is reckless for you to be a prude and a doctor, and if you’re a prude and a doctor, do something else.
Lynn Ríos Rivera
100%. This purity myth is intense. And I think that probably because of the whole purity myth, is that Bisexual people really just want to not be assumed to things, like don’t assume things about me just because of my sexual orientation, my sexual identity. And I think that it has to do with that fear of being seen as unsafe or risky, or anything along those lines.
Bailey Merlin
Yeah, I mean, people are gonna do what people are gonna do, right?
Lynn Ríos Rivera
Right.
Bailey Merlin
If I have an urge to do something, the best thing you can do as my provider is to arm me with knowledge and protection…
Lynn Ríos Rivera
Amen.
Bailey Merlin
…and treatment if I need it. That’s it. That’s your job. If I needed a lecture, I would go back to church.
Lynn Ríos Rivera
[Laughing] Or school.
[Both laughing]
Bailey Merlin
Sor–I’m, like, very grumpy today.
Lynn Ríos Rivera
I’m here for it. I’m here for all of it.
But also speaking about affirming spaces, the BRC has mentioned that this Bi Health Month theme is “the power of community”. Do you wanna talk a little bit about that?
Bailey Merlin
Yes, let’s talk about the power of community, the power of friendship.
[Laughter]
Lynn Ríos Rivera
It overcomes everything!
Bailey Merlin
In a way! In a way, it–you know power, friendship can overcome quite a bit. And it’s not because of, you know, butterfly kisses and, and whatever, hearts. It’s about cooperation, and if I watch your back you’ll watch my back.
Lynn Ríos Rivera
I mean, yeah, like community and chosen family. And also just knowing that you aren’t alone in the experience that you’re sharing is incredibly valuable.
Bailey Merlin
What, to you, would you say is the most powerful thing about community?
Lynn Ríos Rivera
Resistance. Like, there’s–
Bailey Merlin
Lynn, you are always, like, we’re gonna burn down a building. Let’s resist it.
[Laughter]
Lynn Ríos Rivera
Listen. In my defense, I’m from Latin America. That’s all I gotta say. [Laughing]
Bailey Merlin
Fair enough.
Lynn Ríos Rivera
[Laughing] But yes, resistance, like I think there’s a strength in numbers, and I think that in community we form really strong bonds and commitment. When I think about community, I think about camaraderie, connection, commitment... Rattling off c words now. But in that power there is a lot of affirmation and we are able to lean on each other and because of that we’re able to resist all of these forces that are coming up against us, and all of these forces that wanna knock us down. And I think that in that resistance there is life saving care. There is advocacy. There is companionship. And I think that that allows us to prioritize joy. It allows us to prioritize care. And it allows us to not feel so beaten down all the time.
Bailey Merlin
Well, why would you say bisexuals need community?
Lynn Ríos Rivera
I think because we need to know that we’re not alone, and we need to know that we’re actively being gaslit when we are. I think that one of the most dangerous parts in coming to terms with your own experience and your own identity and your own desire is that for bisexual people, this tends to fluctuate a lot–like it’s fluid. It’s a fluid experience, and we understand that it’s messy now, we understand that it’s going to be messy in the future, and we’re willing to put in the work to work through the messiness in the future. And I think that it’s important to validate that struggle amongst each other. I cannot–
Bailey, I cannot tell you the amount of conversations I’ve had with Bi+ folks where they will come to me and they will say, Lynn, I’m just having a really big struggle because I thought I was cis, but right now I’m experiencing a lot of like, I really like androgynous clothing and I really I feel really euphoric when they use he/him pronouns on me and I and I just, I’m having a struggle. Or they say, I have a crush on this girl, but I really love my boyfriend–like, I’m not not attracted to him, you know. But like I thought that I could only be gay or straight and just a sincere moment of sitting with the person and saying, I understand, I have been there, and it took me a while to understand that bisexuality was a possibility and that it does not need to be fixed.
I don’t need to experience 50/50 attraction, whatever that means.
Bailey Merlin
Yeah.
[Laughter, indistinct]
Lynn Ríos Rivera
It’s not a thing, that I don’t need to subscribe to, that I don’t need to say that I experience that, I don’t need to be valid. And this typically only happens in a conversation. A student has come up to me, somebody has stopped by the center, we had a conversation, and I can tell you that they leave feeling like themselves than they did before. Not because they find a way to shut something out, but because they finally are able to know that somebody else also experiences something similar, and that there is a word for this. And I think that–in that way, community can really be life-saving can really be affirming, can really make you feel seen.
Bailey Merlin
The great part about being Bi+ is the fact that I find, despite the fact that people–like monosexualities–find us to be greedy and not inclusive, that’s–man, I still get my feathers all ruffled when people tell me that bisexuality is trans exclusive because I find the Bi+ community to be the most inclusive community. The Bi+, the umbrella shelters so many different things and I even find that bisexual community spaces welcome ace folks into the conversation. Make space for them, no problem, because much like bisexuality, asexuality is not really seen as a thing and is really not researched. But I digress.
But I just get so excited when I’m around other Bi people because they are so friendly and thoughtful and, again, inclusive. At the BRC especially, I’ve had the pleasure of working with people who are constantly thinking about, Who are we leaving out? Who’s being forgotten? Because we know what it’s like to be forgotten, and pushed aside, and not considered, and constantly misrepresented. So for Bi+ people, community is really important because not only does it give us a sense of solidarity, it reminds us that we are real, and that our experience is valid, and that you can sit with a friend who’s sort of questioning their gender expression and say, I know exactly–I feel you. I feel you right now. You take as long as you need. You can sit under this umbrella for a moment, til tomorrow, or forever, and you will never be asked to leave.
Lynn Ríos Rivera
I got goosebumps. That–that’s exactly it. Bisexuals, people under the Bi+ umbrella, we are notorious for holding space. We are capable of holding the ambiguity and not asking you to just fix it or to get rid of it in any way. But rather, yes, like it–it is ambiguous. It is confusing, and it is messy. And we are here to walk it with you the whole way for as long as you need, for as long as you want. I think that that is the truly the power of friendship.
Bailey Merlin
Man, the My Little Pony, really.
[Lynn laughs]
We are the My Little Pony space of the LGBTQ+ broad community. I also want to say that you and I exist in a bubble. I want to acknowledge the fact that we have queer community, we have Bi+ community, whereas a lot of bisexuals don’t. A lot of Bi+ people are floating out there feeling like they don’t have a space to be themselves and a lot of times when I say, “Hey, do you have any Bi+ specific community,” they’re like, “Oh, uh, no, but I don’t think I really need it.” And it’s because they don’t know what they’re missing out on. They say, “Oh, you-some of my friends are bi, are bissexual,” or, “all of my friends are bisexual,” which is not surprising. Queer people tend to cluster. Bisexual people tend to cluster, and we make friends with one another without trying.
But when you have an intentional space for Bi+ issues or Bi+ joy, that changes the game. You get really, really invested in the success of that community and the success of the people who are a part of it. And you know, in a lot of ways bisexual work, bisexual advocacy, really radicalized me in terms of–I’m not just going to sit here and say, “Oh, the bis got it, the B is totally on top of the situation” because–in some ways, we are. As local communities, sure. But in a wider, national, global scale, not at all. We receive less than 2% of all LGBTQ+ funding in America. We represent 58% of the entire fucking queer community and we receive 2% of the funding, the math is not mathing, you know what I mean?
Lynn Ríos Rivera
It truly isn’t.
[Bailey laughs]
It truly isn’t. Like, and the way that I often experience working in a gender, sexuality resource center, I often experience a thing where lots of our bisexual staff almost feels forced to cater to monosexualities. And that’s a big topic of conversation when we talk about bisexual oppression. But it’s real, and it’s painful, because we’re actively told to just pick a side. Or worse, “You date people of your same gender anyway, why can’t you just call yourself gay? I mean, that’s what you’re doing in practice, right?”
Bailey Merlin
Bro.
Lynn Ríos Rivera
The amount of people who told me that they’ve heard that pains me.
Bailey Merlin
Let’s start telling people no, I’m a practicing bisexual. We have holidays.
[Lynn laughs]
What day of the week feels holy for you as a bisexual?
Lynn Ríos Rivera
Wednesdays.
Bailey Merlin
Wednesdays. Okay, yeah, I have to take Wednesdays off to practice my Bisexuality.
Lynn Ríos Rivera
[Laughs] I’m not gonna lie. If they gave me Wednesdays off, I would be so happy.
Bailey Merlin
Yeah, like I have to honor my identity–my religion, honestly. I am a practicing Bisexual.
[Lynn laughs]
Get the fuck out of here. [mocking voice] “Aren’t you practicing being gay?”
What are you talking about? “Bailey, you’re actually a straight woman because your husband is a man.” You haven’t met my husband, you don’t know what’s happening over there. You just assumed my identity, my partner’s identity, our relationship identity, and you have not even bought me coffee.
Lynn Ríos Rivera
No, thank you. Thank you. I decline this conversation.
Bailey Merlin
Next time someone makes an assumption–Like, “Oh my god, are you taking me to dinner tonight? All this flirting! Like, you want in on the relationship? Okay!”.
Lynn Ríos Rivera
We can do that.
Bailey Merlin
And then get free dinner out it. Or even better, they shut the fuck up.
Lynn Ríos Rivera
Ideally, ideally.
Bailey Merlin
Win-win. [Laughs]
So, we’re talking about, like, what is powerful about community. Since we know what the power of connecting to other bisexual people is, why did you say it is important for those who don’t have that community to find other Bi+ people?
Lynn Ríos Rivera
Because they deserve it. Because they deserve to know what it’s like to take a breath, if I’m honest, to be affirmed. To experience a space without all of the microaggressions that you may not even know are happening. You deserve to give your whole self the space to exist without a constant justification, and that prioritizes your joy, that prioritizes who you are, not just what you’re doing.
Bailey Merlin
When I started the Bi+ Book Gang, I was looking to have a space for Bi+ writers because there was nothing out there that I could find. What I didn’t realize was what that community would do for me personally besides giving me purpose to get out of bed twice a week to do accountability sessions–which is great when you’re depressed in the winter. But I just have so much peace in that group, and I can’t even put a name to it. It’s not like we sit around talking about being bisexual. Most of the time, we don’t, right. Most of the time it’s memes and “this is what I ate for dinner today”, and, “this is what I’m reading,” and, “this is what I’m watching.”
But being in a space that has people in it. who just “get it.” You don’t explain anything about yourself. It’s so affirming and makes me personally feel really calm and I know you wanted to talk about like this Pollitt and Roberts article from 2021 about internalized binegativity and the broader LGBTQ+community. And I just have to say that anecdotally, having a space for Bi+ people that I can go to on a regular basis makes me feel well.
Lynn Ríos Rivera
Yes, I find that Bi+ spaces are energizing. And what people, and what Bi+ folks have told me is that they feel safe. It’s a sense of psychological safety. It’s a sense of physical safety. It’s a sense of being embraced. And I think that internalized binegativity has a lot to do with a lot of different things, including, like, media representation and the fact that we don’t see ourselves and the fact that it’s hard to come out and find your own community.
And I think that it’s very important to surround yourself with people, even–especially, even when you’re still struggling, when you’re still trying to figure it out, to surround yourself with those who are actively affirming and who are willing to hold that space for you in order to embrace it and to just not be actively bombarded by all of the purity culture, by all of the villainous Bisexuals–no shade to those, though we appreciate a good villain.
Bailey Merlin
Exactly.
Lynn Ríos Rivera
[Laughs] And to just be messy for a little while. That’s okay to do, and I think that the space where you’re going to be embraced and cheered on as you work through that messiness, is 100% going to be a Bi+ specific space.
Bailey Merlin
So for the gentle listener, who is still with us. We want to talk about resources for you. If you are a Bi+ person who has community, who doesn’t have community, who has health concerns, who doesn’t have health concerns, it can be hard to find resources out there that are tailor made for bisexuals because we’re often the afterthought. Again, we represent 58% of the greater queer community. We don’t get nothin’.
I wanted to talk a little bit about that. If you are a younger person who is in need of resources, the Trevor Project is a good place to start, especially if you’re in crisis. I will say that their bisexual specific resources are lacking in the sense that there’s like kind of a definition there, but it doesn’t really talk about the nuances of being a bisexual person. And they should be doing better.
I also want to talk a little bit about–Oh, there’s a specific word for it, where people have struggles, it’s like a tier of struggle where you say, “Oh, your problems are worse and therefore I need to minimize my own problems.” Do you know what that is?
Lynn Ríos Rivera
I don’t think so.
Bailey Merlin
It’s a thing! It’s an absolute thing where..
Lynn Ríos Rivera
I believe you.
Bailey Merlin
Yeah, it’s like, “Well, this group of people is suffering more than more than your group of people, therefore your problems don’t matter.” And I wanna say that for people who are trans and non-binary and they do not fit, you know, a societal standard and are at risk for violence, which we have seen recently in the news. And no child should ever feel unsafe, they should never be assaulted, they should never be killed for who they are. I want to acknowledge that there are groups of the queer community, like the trans community. That needs a lot of protection and a lot of resources.
At the same time we can acknowledge that bisexuals need support and resources as well, and that it should be seen as a community effort by the broader LGBTQ+ community to rally together to protect each other. When we have this scramble over resources because “the L’s need it more” or “the G’s need it more” or “the T’s need it more”, this is what right wingers want. They want us pulling at each other’s hair for scraps and saying, “your struggle does not matter because XYZ” or “you’re a Bi person, you’re straight passing, you’re safe.” No I’m not. I am safe for other reasons, but not because I’m bisexual. As we move forward as a larger community, not just a bisexual community, we need to be looking out for one another. And sharing resources, and strengthening each other’s websites and packets and–Like, there should just be an open transference of information. If I know something about Bi+ people and I say, “hey, your website’s wrong,” you shouldn’t get defensive about it. You should just change it. Because guess what? I’m the Bi+ person. I’m an authority on this matter.
So last summer I worked with the Bisexual Resource Center on a fabulous team to collect bisexual resources around America. So state by state. Surprise, surprise, there are not a ton of resources out there for us. There are some queer centers that have a bisexual meet-up that might get together, or a Facebook group here or there. There’s not a ton of stuff when you compare it to gay and lesbian groups. I’d love to see that change, but if you are looking for information about housing, about legal counsel, about access to food and a whole other host of stuff, we’ll link it in the show notes.
But the Bisexual Resource Center does now have a state by state bisexual resource guide that you can avail yourself on, and if you find in your state that there isn’t a whole lot you know, check states around you. And if you know the resource, add it to the website because again, we should be collaborating. We should be sharing information so that our community can get stronger and healthier.
Lynn Ríos Rivera
Yes, I think that what we need to remember is that in the fight and struggle and search for equity, it is about all of us. We cannot forget the alliances that we have formed that are historical, that have remained and that continue to preserve themselves. We are not divided into neat little boxes. All of us inside the broad LGBT umbrella, broad queer umbrella, we experience so much of the same things by the same culprits, and it’s important to remember that we are each other’s friends. It is so important to remember that we have a common struggle and that it is part of the fight to remain in solidarity and to foster it in the way that we can. Including sharing resources, including advocating for ourselves and for each other, including standing up for the person, the identity group that is not in the room. That’s why projects like this collection of resources that the BRC has is incredibly important.
Bailey Merlin
So as we go into Bi+ Health Month, celebrate it by coming out to your doctor.
[Lynn laughs]
If you feel comfortable.
Lynn Ríos Rivera
Yes! And don’t forget to wear purple.
Bailey Merlin
Yeah, wear purple. If you can, take a resource guide to your doctor about bisexual health, I know the BRC does have literature on that.
I’m currently working on a one-pager for doctors that you should be able to take to your doctor. Like, what should your doctor know how to treat you? Because if we are all silent, nothing will change. So if you like, if you feel safe to come out, come out so that the person who doesn’t feel safe can someday get to be there too. And eat your vegetables. And drink your water
[Bailey laughs]
Lynn Ríos Rivera
Please drink water. And remember to stretch; if you’re like me who does not know how to sit in chairs, remember to stretch. That’s important for your health.
Bailey Merlin
Oh my God. Yeah, my hip flexors are constantly just in a state of lock because I’m always criss-cross-applesauce just 100% of the time. Are you criss-cross-applesauce right now?
[Lynn laughing]
Lynn Ríos Rivera
I was earlier. I had to switch because I was not smart and I got an office chair with handles, which means I can’t sit comfortably criss-cross-applesauce.
Bailey Merlin
I personally, just got that TikTok chair that has no handles and it’s got like the wide behind one. I can crisscross all day. Get the one with wheels. It’s a game-changer. It really is.
Lynn Ríos Rivera
So Bailey, one last question for you. Are you a healthy bisexual?
Bailey Merlin
Define healthy?
[Both laugh]
No, seriously, what do you mean?
Lynn Ríos Rivera
Well, purposefully broad.
Bailey Merlin
Um, no, I’m not a healthy Bisexual. I have ADHD that was diagnosed very late in life. I thought I had anxiety and depression the whole time, but I was just an undiagnosed ADHDer, and once I started taking Ritalin, I felt a lot better. I didn’t have my Ritalin for three months because of the supply issue. Now I do, feeling much better. I’m trying to walk more, which is– I have to remind myself that it’s a privilege to be able to walk, and so I should get out there and get some sunshine on my skin, but it’s hard when it’s cold. I need to drink more water. But I am healthy in the sense that I will fight my doctor if they do not acknowledge who I am as a person. So yes, in that sense, I am a healthy bisexual. What about you Lynn, are you a healthy bisexual?
Lynn Ríos Rivera
I think I’m working towards it. I think that the kickboxing has played a really great part–I mean, hand to hand combat training has played a really big part of this. [Laughs] I have been consistently exercising every morning for like two months now, so I am very proud of this bisexual person here, And I have been eating breakfast for like three months now consistently. So I’m also very proud of that. And I’ve been getting much better sleep since I started.
I am also a late-in-life diagnosed ADHDer. I got diagnosed after my dad passed away and I was in grad school so getting all through undergrad without any kind of ADHD meds was wild. Now that I know what life is like.
Bailey Merlin
Yeah, I was so pissed at my mom. I had to work through some mom anger.
Lynn Ríos Rivera
Yeah.
Bailey Merlin
in therapy ‘cause. I’m like, how did you not know? Did you not notice that I was struggling my entire life? She’s like, “well, you got good grades.” Bitch?
[Lynn laughs]
Lynn Ríos Rivera
I was told I was a genius. I was like, just because I do well when you put a timer on does not mean–Friend! So, I think that we’re actively working towards that. I also go to therapy with some degree of regularity. My cats are also really good therapy. So you know, I think that this Bi+ Health Month I am working on honoring all of the strides I have made in terms of caring for myself and caring for health and caring for all the Bisexuals around me, in a way that is sustainable.
Bailey Merlin
Sustainable is the keyword there. So, for those listening, what are you doing for Bisexual Health Awareness Month? Are you taking care of yourself? Why? Why not? Have you come out to your doctor? Other questions?
We’d love to hear from you if you have topics that you want us to cover or look more into. E-mail us at bisexualkilljoy@gmail.com. You can find us on Instagram, @bisexualkilljoy. We are excited to do more of these podcasts and to bring in speakers and just talk about some really, really bisexual shit.
Lynn Ríos Rivera
Remember to stay bisexual and stay strong.
Bailey Merlin
We’ll see you next next time.
Contact Information & Socials
Email: bisexualkilljoy@gmail.com
Instagram: @bisexualkilljoy
Website: www.bisexualkilljoy.com
Find the latest content and contact information at: https://linktr.ee/bisexualkilljoy
Resources & References
Bisexual Resource Center: https://Biresource.org/find-Bi-resources/
Feinstein, B. A., & Dyar, C. (2017). Bisexuality, minority stress, and health. Current Sexual Health Reports, 9(1), 42–49. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11930-017-0096-3
Pollitt, A. M., & Roberts, T. S. (2021). Internalized Binegativity, LGBQ+ Community Involvement, and Definitions of Bisexuality. Journal of Bisexuality, 21(3), 357–379.https://doi.org/10.1080/15299716.2021.1984363
Acknowledgements
This episode was transcribed by our Volunteer Transcript team member, Jacquie. We’re immensely grateful for the time and effort all our volunteers pour into the longevity of this project.
You can read more about how to join the Bisexual Killjoy Team here.